Just Trying Something New c:

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Wacky the Taccoon
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Just Trying Something New c:

Post by Wacky the Taccoon »

So, seeing as I consider myself to be an amateur writer, I realized that most of my stories tend to be written from the viewpoint of someone with a very cheerful personality, and although I enjoy writing like that, I would also like to experiment with some other kinds of writing, such as darker forms of literature. The hope is that this will help to widen my writing capabilities, by overstepping my current boundaries.

However, I'm not very good at this, so with my first attempt (as can be seen below, a short story that is only a handful of paragraphs in length) I thought I'd post it here for some constructive criticism. I'll probably toss in some other stories from drastically different viewpoints some time or another, but for now I'll just start with this one.


Now, before any of you read this, I'd like to just warn you that this is relatively dark, and I don't suggest that some of the younger members read this. It is very different from how I usually write, and although it isn't too bad since I'm bad at writing darkly, I don't suggest that you read it if you tend to shy away from dark, deranged, or gruesome settings and plots.
Spoiler:
It all started when I was very young and my goldfish died. I was only about five years old, and the fish had been the one, and only, thing in my life up until that point that had remained steady. You see, the fish had been a gift to my parents on their wedding day, from my rather queer uncle, and had been placed in my room just over a year later, a few weeks before I was born. So for my entire life the fish was always there, swimming, eating, or just floating there in his tank like a lost memory, just barely within my reach. He was there when the kitchen caught on fire, when my dad left us, when my mom started leaving me alone at night, and even when they started visiting me while she was gone. But the fish, he kept me safe. As long as I could see him I knew that everything would be alright.

This is why the death of my dear fish was so much worse than anyone could have realized. He shouldn't have done that you know, he shouldn't have left me all alone. I didn't deserve to be alone. It was then that I started letting them speak to me. Up until this point I had ignored them, and focused on the fish and his slow swirling motions until it was safe to look away. But now I had nothing, nothing to keep me safe.

I began to look right at them when they approached me, to even question their existence. But at least if they were real, then I wouldn't be alone. And so, I started talking to them. The conversations were small at first, with no real importance. But as the years passed our conversations grew urgent, and they came to see me more and more. I had no friends, my family were nearly nonexistent, and the only thing that began to matter to me was for us to be together. I urged them, begged them, and tried my best to persuade them to take me with them, but they always refused. I grew violent, angry and intolerable and demanded that I deserved to be with them, but still they ignored my pleas. I rushed at them, fists flying and cheeks flushed with rage, but it did no good. For of course I knew that I couldn't hurt them, and all I was ever rewarded with was the now familiar icy rush as sharp as a sword cutting through my body, as I collapsed to the floor, screaming. This erratic behavior continued for some time, before at last they agreed to take me with them, but I had to do something for them first.

I remember it clearly even now, how the wooden handle fit so perfectly in my death white hands, and how the sharp tip of the jagged dagger gleamed mercilessly as I crept upon my victim. But at the last second, as I raised the dagger to strike her down, she turned and stared into my eyes. Her eyes were beautiful, big and blue, and shining brightly despite the dim lighting. It was as if she had sucked the very light out of the room and now held it within herself, or perhaps she was the source of the light. I didn't care, and because of this I saw those same eyes grow even bigger and fill with pain as I plunged the dagger into her heart, and withdrew it, seeping with her blood. Then I stepped back as she crumpled to the floor, deftly avoiding the crimson puddle that spread out around her limp body, reaching for me. I smirked and wiped the stains off of my dagger before hiding it away, where no one will ever find it.

Then I went back, to stand beside my victim, and wait for them to come. As it grew later I sank down to floor and sat there waiting, waiting for them. This is how the neighbors found me the next morning. Sitting there, alone, beside my mother. She shouldn't have done that you know, she shouldn't have left us.
This isn't the kind of writing that I plan to spend most of my time on, but I did want to try it.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY:
Spoiler:
As a young child I was always immensely petite and delicate in build, yet quite adventurous on the inside. I showed off this side of me through a variation of daring acts, including climbing into the rafters and hanging upside-down when only my brother was watching, and stealing my mother's freshly baked cookies off of the table when her back was turned. Fleet of foot, and quiet in voice, I managed to pull off many stunts without getting caught, and because of this, never seemed to have to face the consequences designed for such ornery children.

This is why, by the time I reached the age of eight, I still hadn't learned to think before I acted, or at least not in the way that my elders intended for me to. For although I thought, I was always thinking of how to pull something off, not about whether it could endanger my life or someone else's. But through some manner of hard work, or perhaps luck, no one ever got hurt except for perhaps a few bumps or bruises.

It was during one of these many undertakings that I managed to find myself lost in a garden behind the governor's house. I had been dared, by one of my classmates, to simply enter the garden, for we were forbidden to so much as enter its gate. But I, being an uncontrollable child, was unwilling to leave once I found myself in such a beautiful place. And so, I had at once set off at a quick pace to explore all the hidden depths of the wonderland that I now found myself immersed in.

Unfortunately, I had underestimated the depth and foliage in the garden, and soon found myself completely lost, with absolutely no idea which way I had come from. Turning my head anxiously in all directions, and finding no immediate solution to my problem, I stomped my foot in irritation and decided to continue down the path that I was currently on, for surely I would soon reach the gate, and could just hop over it and into either the street or woods beyond. In all honesty I wasn't worried so much about being lost, but more about my friends giving up waiting on me and going on to eat ice-cream, as was our weekly arrangement to do on lazy Sunday afternoons, without me.

The fear of being left behind encouraged me to increase my speed and rush down the stone pathway beneath my light feet. Suddenly, without warning, I found myself slamming headfirst into an intangible object, and stumbled backwards before regaining my balance. I was quite confused by this, for nothing had been there a moment before, and nothing seemed to be there now, yet I had run straight into something at least as tall and wide as my body. Gently shaking my head from side to side to clear it, I stretched out my fingertips in an effort to feel the item which had knocked me down. A moment later my fingertips came into contact with something smooth, ad I rubbed it gently, straining my eyes to see what lay before me.

Soon my ears were met with a giggle, that sounded much like the soft tinkering of glass, and the wall in front of me shivered slightly before two large eyes materialized before me.
"Why hello there, dear" came a voice, which someone seemed to match the eyes that gazed down at me in wonder.
"H-hello?" I replied, drawing myself to my feet and brushing the dust from my dress. "And just who, are you?"
Before me the brilliant eyes blinked in mock astonishment.
"Why I'm your fairy godmother, of course" the voice replied teasingly.
"Very funny" I replied with a sour tone "But really, who are you?"
"Well that is not something you need to know young child, for you will likely not remember me, and if you do you will surely put it off as being a dream of sorts." Then the laugh came again, this time sounding like the pitter patter of rain drops against the window. I was quite confused by all of this, and irritated too, because I always wanted to know the answer to everything, and not knowing upset me quite a bit.

"Are you a beast, or a monster, perhaps a demon?" I questioned, once more trying to coax the creature into responding to me.
"Well" said it, as the eyes blinked thoughtfully "I suppose that depends on what you consider to be a beast, monster, or demon. I could very well be all of those thing, or maybe none of them."
"That doesn't make any sense" I pouted, in irritation.
"Oh yes it does" the thing replied "But you will never find out why."

And with those last confusing, frustrating words the large eyes slid closed, and disappeared once more. I swear to you that I looked and looked and walked back and forth across that area at least two dozen times, before at least I gave up, and imagined that the thing had left. But I refused to give up, and instead adventured deeper into the garden, searching high and low for any sign of the mysterious being.

Soon, however, I began to grow desperate, for the sun was sinking steadily down through the open sky, and soon it would be dark. Ignoring the fact that I should leave the garden, I just stumbled faster, and faster, over the lone stone pathway. Turning left, and then right, and then left again, I still found nothing, and let our an irritated cry of frustration. Clapping my hand against a bowing tree I slumped to the ground and panted in exhaustion, before shutting my eyes for just a moment to rest.

Reopening my eyes I jerked straight up, shocked to find that the familiar darkening sky was now replaced with a new, much brighter pure white one. Not a patch of blue, or any other color for that matter, shown through the eternal white, and there seemed to be no point of origin for the nearly blinding light that shown down on me. I blinked my eyes quickly and looked at the ground in an effort to be able to see better, only to find that the rough bark of the tree was also replaced with a tall blue pillar that towered stories above me, and yet despite its dramatic height, seemed to cast no shadow of any sorts.

Looking at the pillar in suspicion I slowly edged around it, and found that it stood entirely alone. It wasn't even connected to any other sort of building, and no pillars could be seen anywhere. Judging it to be safe enough I leaned against it and peered about me in all directions. For the most part, despite some ridiculously large house-sized mushrooms and few other oddities, this place seemed to be rather normal, even though I had absolutely no idea as to where I was. Thinking for a moment, I decided to head off in, what I deemed to be, a south-west direction, and thought that as long as I could see the pillar then I would definitely be able to find my way back.

Unfortunately, it turned out that a "south-west" direction involved me, among other things, having to climb down the side of a rather sharp incline, run across an old, intricately designed bridge that collapsed shortly after I reached the other side, and nearly fall into an abyss. Eventually however I came to a stop at the base of a hill beside a small delicate stream, surrounded by rolling meadows on one side, and a deep, shadowy forest on the other. I found that I was most uncertain about which way I should travel, and so I sat down to take a short rest and consider the options.

As I sat there, taking smooth sips of fresh water from the spring, I heard a rather unfamiliar sound behind me. Ping ping pop came the noise, again and again as if on a never ending loop. Turning my head I cocked my ear towards the sound and listened for any other additional noises that would add to the rather unusual sound. Ping ping pop, came the noise again. Ping ping pop ping ping pop it continued as I edged a tiny bit closer and peered through the bushes and undergrowth that lined the edge of the forest.

The sight that met my eyes was a rather peculiar one, and I found myself recoiling at the sight of it. For the forest was alive with quite a considerable number of irregular creatures. Some were tall, and some were short, some had feet, and some had paws, some ran here, and some waddled there, and yet, they all talked. But not like regular animals, oh no indeed, they talked like humans, and in my own language in fact. And to top it all off, they all wore top hats, tailored jackets, and gowns.

Pushing the bushes much further apart, I stared as more and more of these creatures were revealed.
"There's someone there!" shouted a voice suddenly, just as another creature began to gesture wildly in my direction. I instantly jerked back and turned to run, when I was seized back my collar and hauled unceremoniously to my feet.
"What is it?" one of the small creatures who resembled a rabbit asked quietly from near the front of the newly assembled crowd.
"Well" replied the creature that now held me dangling above the ground for all to see "It's nothing more than a puny, little human."
"I'm not puny!" I uttered out angrily "I just haven't hit my growth spurt yet!" At this all of the creatures laughed and smiled at me in sympathy.
"What is so funny?" I demanded to know.
"Well I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this" began that creature that was holding me as he gently lowered me down onto the grass "but human's don't grow here, they never grow."
"But everyone grows" I replied, in a regrettably snotty manner.
"Not here, that's why most of the human's leave, it's not fun to be young forever I suppose."

At this I grew silent and stared at the ground for a moment as I mulled over this new information.
"They never grow old here, not ever?" I questioned them, just to be sure.
"That is correct." replied the young bunny-like creature.
"And they never have children or get married and no one expects them to?" The entire crowd nodded collectively in response.
"Well then, I'd like to stay, just to prove all of you wrong!" I declared loudly, leaping to my feet and displaying a confident smile.
The creatures then proceeded to laugh as if this was the most hilarious thing anyone could have possibly said.

"You'll have to receive permission in order to stay." replied the bunny, with a smile overflowing with quirkiness.
"From who?"
"Why from the owner of the sky, of course! She has to see us everyday, so you'd best hope she likes the look of you." Suddenly a chill wind swept through me, and I heard the glass-like laugh envelope me once more.
"She can stay, she can stay, don't worry my dears!" came the voice, sounding pleased at my appearance. "So you found your way to my home did you, young girl? It will be quite a pleasure to have you here, indeed!

But first I do believe that you will need a wonderful place to stay. Hmm, Willow, would you mind housing the young child until she can find better accommodations?"
"Of course not!" replied a rough voice as a tree swayed its limbs. "Just step right this way young miss, and I'll show you to your room!"
Then a small door formed in the front of the tree, and the strong limbs ushered me inside without hesitation. Once inside I glanced all around myself in astonishment, for although the tree had seemed relatively small from the outside, it was unbelievable large from the inside.
"Just go up the stairs dear!" Willow's voice echoed down to me. Nodding, although she probably couldn't see me anyway, I stepped up onto the stairs and began a winding journey that led upwards, past many rooms and doors of all shapes and sizes, each decorated specifically to fit the owner's personality. Finally I came to a door that had no designs, and no name, and came to stop in front of it.
"Yes that's the one!" shouted Willow in encouragement as I reached out to turn the door handle and step inside. The room was small, but cozy, and contained a small bed and desk.

Sitting down on the bed I glanced around the room and thought curiously about what it would be like to live there, and what it would be like to never grow up. To do what I wanted all day, to splash in the stream, to go swimming or play games with the animals. To do whatever I wanted, with no parents or family to boss me around! Parents...

It was then that I began to miss my family, and realized that although it couldn't have possibly been that long since I had seen them lost, it felt like it had been forever. I began to pace the room, anxiously going over and over the details in my mind. Comparing this life to that one until at last I thought I would break if I didn't get to be with my family.
"You could always just come back to visit now and then instead of staying" said a quiet voice behind me. Turning I saw a small bear, who smiled encouraging at me.
"You really don't have to stay" she continued "Although it would be wonderful if you did, you'd always feel left out lonely, but you could come back anytime you wanted."
"How?" I asked desperately. Glancing quickly from side to side she slipped a small, smooth rock into my hand.
"You probably stepped on one of these by accident which is how you got here in the first place, but it's really very simple. Just place it on the ground, and hop onto it, like you would jump into a puddle."
"Thank you" I said, giving her a grateful smile, placing the item on the ground, and then hopping onto the rock.

A moment later I found myself back in the garden, and although it was dark by now, I managed to find my way out of the garden, clutching the rock in my hand, and made a wild dash for home. I got in trouble for coming home so late that night, but I didn't mind, it was all very worth it. I have gone back to that world many a time since then, and someday, I think I'll take my brother with me so he can see it too.
Last edited by Wacky the Taccoon on Wed Mar 20, 2013 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Just Trying Something New c:

Post by Lamby »

This story isn't dark so much as it is a murder story with some back-story. First I want to address the story itself, disregarding the thematic elements. For this story to be compelling you need a lot of suspension of disbelief. In order for the reader to believe that she is capable of this behavior, you have to build up to the present and show what led to this sociopath gone psychotic behavior. You allude to bad parenting, but everything else is too vague or paced to quickly. In this day and age, we no longer believe people go crazy in general--they develop a condition. A good way to show someone having a break is to research a mental disturbance and develop the condition in the story symptomatically without ever mentioning the condition itself unless it's diagnosed in the story. Who are "they"? Voices, hallucinations, people? Why doesn't anyone notice this odd behavior? There are many unanswered questions that would make this more compelling. A reader should see this behavior develop clearly, or else we have to take your word for it and she becomes a stock character.

Also, hallucinations/voices are extremely frightening, and a person would not trust them this quickly. Wear and tear might provoke this trust, but usually people obey voices because they believe they have no choice, not because they want to.

Dark doesn't necessarily mean bad things happen.
Dark fiction is another term for horror, a genre of fiction concerned with fear, death, and the sinister side of human nature.
I recommend researching dark fiction if you really want practice.

All that aside, the murder was very vivid and probably the best part of this. I just think it needed a long build up to truly fit the genre and make me feel the impact of what is happening.

As for the second story... you got me hooked then cliffhangered me. Aaaaaarrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh! Reminds me of nonsense literature mixed with Coraline--my favorite genres.
Last edited by Lamby on Wed Mar 20, 2013 4:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Just Trying Something New c:

Post by Wacky the Taccoon »

Thanks, Atomic. I'll really take those things into consideration. I know that my darker, or murder writings in this case, aren't really very good, and I don't intend to do much with them. I probably should research that stuff more, although to be honest I'm not entirely sure if I could handle even knowing very much about it, let alone writing about it, very well. Although, taking your comments and suggestions into consideration, I'm considering revising the initial story in order to make it much longer and more compelling. It might take me awhile though.

And as for the second story I'm actually intending to write more to that, I'm just not entirely sure where I want it to go as of right now. Sorry for the cliffhanger though, I probably shouldn't put those in there since I hate running into those in books so much, I'll let you know if I add onto it though.
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Re: Just Trying Something New c:

Post by chaobreedersmh »

I'm not good at giving advice, especially when it comes to writing so I will just tell you what I thought of both stories.

The first I agree with Atomic. I think you overused the italics a bit and it would have been better to know more than what was said. Where would they take the narrator for one. Why did the narrator want to go with them exactly? Did life with them sound better? How? Why did they want the mother dead?

As for the second one, I enjoyed it a lot. It sparked my imagination and sort of felt like a mix between Alice In Wonderland and Peter Pan. It would be nice having more knowledge about the place and creatures though. What causes humans to not be able to grow there? And what is the creature she ran into? If you do decide to add onto it, I hope these questions will be answered and you'll do more worldbuilding.
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Re: Just Trying Something New c:

Post by Wacky the Taccoon »

I don't think I want to do anything else with the first because I have to admit that I really didn't enjoy writing it very much. I think I'll stay away from stories involving murder from now on ^^;

And as for the other, I'll take that into consideration as well. o: I probably should explain more about the setting and creatures, which is why I left open the opportunity to write more, only involving her brother this time.

Thanks, Bri c:
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