Vanilla the Chao

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reshiramchao
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Vanilla the Chao

Post by reshiramchao »

Prologue: Vanilla thought she was an ordinary blue eyed chao. She was white with a purple emotion ball. She enjoyed swimming, but she couldn't swim yet. She is still a newborn, her parents are out of town. Her sister is Rosey, a pink chao with a red halo and Green eyes. Rosey is a Hero/Run/Fly and loves triangle fruits. She takes care of her sister when her parents are away.

Chapter 1
Spoiler:
Vanilla looked out the window at her sister, who was hugging and kissing cheetahs. She looked at Tails and wondered if Tails would ever like her. She crawled down from the bench against the window, and crawled across the floor. She was still a neutral, she hadn't really tried to stand out much. One day, she hoped to be 1st place in Crab Pool Chao Race. She could only hope she could be a Hero Chao like her sister. On TV she had watched many Dark Chao get arrested, be mean, and do bad things. Her emotion ball went into a squiggle when her sister walked through the door with a shovel. "Look what I won from Crab Pool!" she shouted. "And I'm not even a swimmer!" Vanilla glared at her. She stomp crawled away back to the window, and stared at the tall fruit tree in the neighbors yard.

"What's her problem?" Rosey asked Tails in a snooty voice. She stared at her younger sister sitting by the window. She thought about what she had just said. "Oops..." she whispered. "What oops?" Tails responded. "I hurt her feelings..." she said back. "Go fix it, I can wait." Tails said. Rosey walked over to the window. "Vanilla?" she said nicely and quietly. "What do you want? To brag and boast some more? I don't wanna hear it." Vanilla said. "You don't wanna hear me tell you I can set up training lessons with you and Sonic?" Rosey asked. "ERMERGERD.... NO WAY!" Vanilla shouted. "Are you sure you earn enough rings to pay for them both?" "I sure do! C'mon, Lets go call Sonic" Rosey said brightly. Vanilla jumped off the little bench and crawled as fast as she could. She couldn't wait to start training.
Chapter 2
Part 1 of 2
Spoiler:
(the next day)
“In two hours is your first training session. Sonic will arrive and show you some animal pictures, along with what effects they will have on you.” Rosey said with a smile. “Don’t worry about a thing, there are no wrong choices.” Vanilla looked doubtful. “You sure?” she asked. “100%” Rosey said reassuringly.
(2 hours later)
Vanilla stared out the window waiting for Sonic. She began getting impatient. She didn’t like to wait. She looked at the clock on the wall; it was 5 minutes after the training was supposed to start. She tried not to get frustrated. She gave up on the window 20 minutes later and went upstairs to her room. She grunted when she got to the top. “I can’t believe Sonic! To do such a thing to a young chao like me.” She mumbled to herself. “I guess we start training tomorrow…”
Part 2 of 2
Spoiler:
(The next day) It was time for Vanilla's training. Sonic bailed on her yet again, so she went out and looked for him like any other curious chao. She searched his house, and he wasn't there. She crawled to a nearby lake to take a little swim. She dived into the shallow water and hit her head on a rock. She didn’t have any serious injury, but she was unconscious. The lifeless body floated out further to the middle of the lake. The current was going the opposite direction of the shore, which wasn’t a good thing.

nobody likes this story I am giving up on it
Last edited by reshiramchao on Fri Jul 19, 2013 8:43 pm, edited 7 times in total.
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CitrusCat
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by CitrusCat »

This is pretty good!
Character descriptions would be nice, though.

Keep it up! :D
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reshiramchao
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by reshiramchao »

:herosurprise: oh my! i forgot the descriptions! i will edit it right away.
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by CitrusCat »

I can't wait for the next chapter. :3
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reshiramchao
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by reshiramchao »

I'm going to post it tomorrow. i do not know what time zone your in, so sorry if its late, or early. i might post chapter 2 today. All the chapters i will just edit onto the first one okay? im typing them all separaltely on my desktop
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by CitrusCat »

OK, that's cool. I have to go to bed soon, so I guess I'll be seeing it tomorrow.
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reshiramchao
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by reshiramchao »

okay. im working on chapter 2 right now... heres a little preview.

"Why would you do that! Mom and Dad will never love us again! and its all your fault! You always mess everything up!"

im not giving any more hehe... :chaohappy:
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Gold Omochao
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by Gold Omochao »

I enjoyed this. Please don't give up and continue.
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by CitrusCat »

Yeah! You gave up way too fast! ;_;
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reshiramchao
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by reshiramchao »

the only reason im giving up is because it didnt seem like i had any supporters. And i have a bit of writers block for this story, I am typing another story involving a conflict between characters and such. Its much more interesting. And my brother read this and told me its a prissy story, with no conflict, and straight up boring. So... That is why im giving up. He also told me 12 year old girls cant write a good chao story. The just don't understand chao.
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by SkyGinge »

First off, I encourage you not to listen to your brother, especially the last bit. I'm definitely sure that you do understand chao and have the potential to write them well.

I won't analyse in great detail, but I'll give you a few hints and tips. Like Citrus chao suggested, you should aim to describe what places and people look like a little more. Adding in stuff like "she was white with a purple emotion ball" is acceptable for somebody of your age, but I encourage you to find exciting and interesting ways of describing your characters. Also try and stick to one tense and make sure that everything is clear (for example, in one point you say, "She thought about what she had just said.", which is confusing to a reader as we can misunderstand which she is who (just trying to explain how to get out of it is confusing me :P)).

But anyways, don't give up hope so quickly! I look forward to seeing you grow as a writer. :)
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!

Funky stuff:
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by eblu »

reshiramchao wrote:He also told me 12 year old girls cant write a good chao story.
Well, that's sort of true...

But this is actually good, save for the prologue!

It actually has an intricate layout, etc.!

Just keep going. You have the talent.
reshiramchao
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Re: Vanilla the Chao

Post by reshiramchao »

Its hard to finish because im writing another chao story, and the other one is much better. I can make a new topic featuring that story if anyone wants.
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