Chao Story: Want You To Make Me Feel Only Girl In The World

[SilverRabbit]

CHAPTER ONE:

Spoiler:

Glossy walked to her school and thought about all the boys there she knew she could get a boyfriend for the very first time and now she was thirteen she felt positive about getting a boyfriend even though she felt a bit sick and was going to a new secondary school. She finally was there, Apple Popz secondary school. She walked in feeling a bit shy because she had heard there was loads of bullies at this school. A small Chao who looked like she was the same age said "Are you ok, sweetie?" "I-I-I-" said Glossy. "Oh, I get it, your very shy. Don't worry you'll get used to this school but probably not used to those horrible bullies..." "B-bullies a-are really m-mean h-here?" said Glossy trembling in fear. Glossy went into her classroom but there was only girls and no boys! She was very upset about that she decided to ask if there was any boys anyways and said "Is there any boys in this classroom?" The teacher stopped reading his newspaper and said "Only two, they are the most popular boys in school as well. All the girls love him..." "Oh" said Glossy, her silvery body was feeling sweaty and her halo was starting to sink down. The teacher pointed to her seat where she was meant to sit and on her desk it said "Glossy the silver monotone Hero/run/swim Chao." The other Chao just sneered at Glossy because they were the bullies and didn't think the poor hero Chao was very tough.

CHAPTER TWO:

Spoiler:

One of the boys noticed all the Chao snickering at the poor young hero/swim Chao and said "Stop that right now, you girls are revolting for laughing at the poor hero Chao." "Ooh, mr. toughie, eh?" said a Dark/fly Chao. The male Chao got fumed up about that and started swearing at the young nasty lass. Glossy just stared at him and the Dark/fly Chao. The male Chao got close to Glossy and whispered look at my desk." Glossy looked at the male Chao's desk and it said "Derrick the silver monotone Hero/run/swim Chao." She was pleased he seemed to like her. Derrick said "This dark/fly Chao here is Lucy the pink two-tone dark/fly Chao." "You get off my friend you fireball head!" shouted a female dark/swim Chao. The teacher soon noticed the giant fight going on and he shouted "SETTLE DOWN, EVERYONE!!!" The class were absolutely silent including Glossy and Derrick.

[Snowy]

Needs work.

[SilverRabbit]

Its only chapter one so far, you'll understand its name as time goes on throughout the story.

[Pic. v2.0]

That is the single longest first sentence in any form of media.

[Lamby]

I'm going to attempt to be helpful. I don't intend to hurt your feelings, though, so don't feel like your story is being torn apart, I just want to make you feel more knowledgeable and therefore more confident.

You have some pretty long sentences. Complex sentences are encouraged, but you need to remember to control your sentence with punctuation to make them work. Something like:

Glossy walked to her school and thought about all the boys there; she knew she could get a boyfriend for the very first time, and now that she was thirteen, felt positive about getting a boyfriend even though she felt a bit sick and was going to a new secondary school.

If you don't understand advanced punctuation yet (your school may not be there yet) try breaking up long sentences into two or more, depending. Just don't break sentences up too much or it'll look choppy.

Remember when posting online you should make a new line every time someone different speaks, like this:

She finally was there, Apple Popz secondary school. She walked in feeling a bit shy because she had heard there was loads of bullies at this school. A small Chao who looked like she was the same age said, "Are you ok, sweetie?"

"I-I-I-" said Glossy.

"Oh, I get it, your very shy. Don't worry you'll get used to this school but probably not used to those horrible bullies..."

Other than that, I think this story is cute. Just make sure you're proofreading carefully. You are forgetting commas and subject-verb agreement in places. Hopefully this helps you. If you have any questions or need help don't hesitate to ask.

[thatguyinthecorner]

That is the single longest first sentence in any form of media.

I read A Tale of Two Cities. That tops this by FAR in that regard. It's where the "Best of times, worst of times" thing is from, and it's just a ton of paradoxes in a row.