You changed from 1st person to 3rd person in the second chapter. And you need to add DETAILS.
HOW did somebody say something? Was there any motions? You need to describe things better. Using "slimy" as an adjective for an eye color just didn't feel right. :/
Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100
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MelissaChao
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100
(18:37:50) JmTsHaW: they're here for chaos's sweet buns
(18:45:41) Chaos_the_Light_Chao: My freshly-cooked buns bring all the girls to the yard
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SilverRabbit
- Fearless Chao
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100
^
If you don't like it, don't read it.
If you don't like it, don't read it.
Weird person who likes cartoons, pink and video-games.
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MelissaChao
- Evolved Chao
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- Location: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GOOD ONE
Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100
I'm trying to HELP you.
(18:37:50) JmTsHaW: they're here for chaos's sweet buns
(18:45:41) Chaos_the_Light_Chao: My freshly-cooked buns bring all the girls to the yard