Mikey the Chao's Story
- The Ice Maiden
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Mikey the Chao's Story
Hello. I accidentally double posted this topic. Anyway, where you will find the official story is HERE
Last edited by The Ice Maiden on Fri Sep 13, 2013 3:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
peace out ci
- SkyGinge
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Re: Mikey the Chao's Story
First off, this is really good, superb for someone of yor age and a vast improement even on the excellence of your last project. Everything is fleshed out nicely, their are nice personal touches, appropriate discription. By usage of the constant questions and insight into Name's head, we can grow attached to him even in this opening scene, and all of the stuff really is impressive for someone of your age. As far as I can see, your grammar is superfluous too. Really, really good job: you managed to make your story interesting without the need to rush straight into action. Those writing lessons are certainly working.
In order to improve, I would suggest attempting to widen your vocabulary. This will allow you to start to add more depth in terms of word variety (although the largely simple language used here works well as it is a chao story). Other than that, really, just keep doong what you're doing.
A couple of little niggles:
There are probably a few other things, but these are the ones that stuck out to me straight away. Anyhow, I'm really impressed, so congratulations. I'm sure this'll get many a rightful reader.
EDIT: I only read this one and didn't realise the first of the double post actually had another chapter. You may wish to move that here as I've kinda forced this to be the story topic. Oopsies, apologies.
In order to improve, I would suggest attempting to widen your vocabulary. This will allow you to start to add more depth in terms of word variety (although the largely simple language used here works well as it is a chao story). Other than that, really, just keep doong what you're doing.
A couple of little niggles:
I see what you're trying to do here, but it doesn't quite make sense. Horror can't float over his head: presuming you mean that he feels horrified then he is feeling the horror inside, not outwardly. In my opinion there are too many connectives in the latter part of the sentence too as you use but, yet and as well, making it sound a little messy.Horror hovered over his head like a storm cloud about to burst, but yet he had a different feeling inside him as well
*his, although I'm sure you meant that. Anyway, my main issue with this is that it really isn't effective in context, seeing as you have already told us outright that his parents are dead. Although (and I only just realised this on reread) it is including that if they were alive they wouldn't, it came across to me as quite an obvious thing anyway.and if is parents were still alive, they wouldn't either.
There are probably a few other things, but these are the ones that stuck out to me straight away. Anyhow, I'm really impressed, so congratulations. I'm sure this'll get many a rightful reader.
EDIT: I only read this one and didn't realise the first of the double post actually had another chapter. You may wish to move that here as I've kinda forced this to be the story topic. Oopsies, apologies.
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!
Funky stuff:
Funky stuff:
Spoiler:
- The Ice Maiden
- Veteran Chao
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- Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:02 am
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- SkyGinge
- Veteran Chao
- Posts: 1183
- Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2012 2:59 pm
- Location: At home, being a lazy little Dingbat
Re: Mikey the Chao's Story
It's fine, there was nothing to fix as such. I'd just make sure that your word choice is succinct in the future and that your metaphors make sense in word form as well as in implied meaning.
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!
Funky stuff:
Funky stuff:
Spoiler:
- The Ice Maiden
- Veteran Chao
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- Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:02 am
- Location: here
Re: Mikey the Chao's Story
OK cool. :3
Also, my other post has Chapter 1. I had no idea I could double post TOPICS so I just went ahead and clicked it twice when it wasn't loading...>_<
Blah
Also, my other post has Chapter 1. I had no idea I could double post TOPICS so I just went ahead and clicked it twice when it wasn't loading...>_<
Blah
peace out ci
- SkyGinge
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Re: Mikey the Chao's Story
I noticed: see my edit :)
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!
Funky stuff:
Funky stuff:
Spoiler:
- The Ice Maiden
- Veteran Chao
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- Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:02 am
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Re: Mikey the Chao's Story
Oh. Lol, OK x3
Edit: PHONE IS ACTING STUPID
UUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH
WONT LET ME COPY -_-
Eh-heh xD
Edit: PHONE IS ACTING STUPID
UUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH
WONT LET ME COPY -_-
Eh-heh xD
peace out ci