Cicada - Script 0001 Draft

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Tsui
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Cicada - Script 0001 Draft

Post by Tsui » Wed Jul 27, 2016 10:37 am

  • This script is designed for a line-by-line ADV visual novel format. This means the dialogue reads like a script and not a story, and the story itself progresses one line at a time. It also means that there are meant to be pictures to accompany the story, which is why there is a lack of detailed descriptions of the characters' appearances.
I've read this over and over, here and there over about a month. I've rewritten parts. But I feel I've done all I can, and yet, it's so short. I want to make it longer without adding pointless filler. I fear that if I can't do this, I may have to pass the initial script on to another writer to expand upon.

So uh, advice and critique would be nice.

I'm posting this here because I'd posted parts of a story using the same characters a long time ago here, too. If you are familiar with the characters, they're completely different now, so you might as well forget about the first story.
________________


Kaeri's Point of View


The light from the windows in the back of the room shines on the dust stirring in the air, and a figure sitting in a chair.

Kaeri: "!!"

I nearly trip.

Perhaps wax or porcelain, life size, head down and covered in dust and various species of vines.

At first glance, I'd had that feeling you get when you stumble upon the corpse of an animal.

But no. Actually, it looks like it's sleeping, only very still, with no breath.

She? As I step closer, the figure seems to be wearing a dress, and has long hair tied up in pigtails.

I can't help but think...

Kaeri: (What a pretty statue.)


I begin to work on removing the overgrowth from the girl.

There had been rose vines tying her to the chair, and clovers had also somehow made it onto her body.

I remove the final rose from her face.


She really does look like sleeping child.

However, something tells me this isn't a statue:

A wind-up key rests in its hole on her back, where her dress is unzipped and slip has a slit.

It could be purely decoration.

Or, it could mean that this girl, this object has some sort of function.

I wonder...


Somehow, I feel like something is pulling my hand.

My hand connects with the key.

I take a deep breath.


I jump backward as whirring and clicking noises can be heard.

Various parts of the android's body twitch lightly.

Slowly, she rises from the chair and raises her head.

She opens her eyes.

As if more proof she wasn't human, her irises and pupils look more like jewels.

The android then opens her mouth.


Girl: "Who are you?"


It takes a moment to recollect myself.

The girl asks again, in the same near-monotone.

Girl: "Who are you? What is your name?"

So I answer.

Kaeri: "I was sent to live here... in the library... by Pesticide.

Professor Charofyton. He's supposed to look after me now. I was looking around...

...Kaeri. My name is Kaeri."

The girl seems to process this information, and replies.

Girl: "Though you were assigned to Father, it seems you do not know who I am.

Chlorophyte, the final form and end result of the Cicada Project.

I suppose you could call me a cyborg. However, the only part of me that is human is my brain.

The objective of the Cicada Project was to successfully take a human brain and create a working artificial body for it.

They both succeeded and failed.

I function, but I do not remember my human life.

And everyone refuses to tell me."

The robot's voice lowers a bit and she looks away, a serious look on her face.

Chlorophyte: "Why am I in this room?

How long have I been asleep...?"

...

Kaeri: "I don't know."

I'm not sure what to say.

Kaeri: "I'm sorry."

She looks back up at me with the same expressionless eyes as before.

Chlorophyte: "Don't worry about it."


"Kaeri? Who are you talking to?"

Charofyton appears in the doorway.

Professor: "...Oh. Hm."

He doesn't seem suprised at all at the situation.

Chlorophyte: "Father."

She looks straight at the man.

Professor: "Hi, Twiddle! Oh, your dress is unzipped in the back, let me fix that--

You know, I made some tea to welcome Kaeri here if you'd come to the cafe to have some with us?"

He speaks in a cheery tone as he swiftly removes the key from the girl's back and rubs her head affectionately.

Twiddle? Is that her nickname?

Twiddle: "Father...

How long have I been in this room?"

His smile doesn't disappear and his tone doesn't change.

Professor: "About twelve years.

Don't worry. Nothing has changed. You didn't miss much."

I see her mouth the words "twelve years".

Twiddle: "...So the Pesticide is doing its job, then."

The professor nods as he leads us both out of the room, chatting to us about the green tea he chose.

I think he says something about making friends.


Meanwhile, I still have no idea what's going on.

As far as I know, Pesticide is an organization that does all it can to prevent humanity's rapid evolution.

There is no way they'd approve of something like this.

Yet, that robot girl is a product of Pesticide.

And she has been in that room as long as I have been alive.

________________


Specific opinions time:
  • What do you think will happen next, and in general? Did you catch anything you think might be foreshadowing? What do you want to happen?
    Should there be a scene before this, establishing the setting?
    Does Twiddle infodump too much here? If so, how should I have her explain the concept, or should Charofyton do it for her?
Please let me know what you think of this draft, and if the concept revealed so far intrigues you. :herowalk:
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