Immersion

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EvilPinkamina
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Immersion

Post by EvilPinkamina » Sat Aug 16, 2014 3:25 am

(( please tell me what I've done good, and what might need to be improved on))

Prologue:

You lay in the back of their truck. You've been in here for so long you don't even remember. You're blindfolded and gagged, with no way of calling for help. Not that anyone would anyways, even if you could yell at the top of your lungs, you were probably far away from any hopes of civilization. You feel the vehicle coming to a stop, the engine's rumble cutting off, and shortly after the two doors in the back sliding open. Then two men roughly scoop you off of the floor and carry you somewhere. You hear the thumping of their feet on a dirt path, then seemingly onto marble? Strange, you thought that maybe they took you to the woods, but now it sounds like a doctor's office. Its so silent, every movement has its own echo, and the men's footsteps are amplified. The thumping in your ears, however, is drowning all of that out. You're starting to panic. What's going to happen to me? Where am I being taken? You think to run, but with the blindfold you'd probably end up running into a wall. So you just let yourself get dragged by them, the anxiety welling up inside you. Then, their footsteps stop. They remove your gag, and put a mask on your face. The air coming out is cold, the chill seeming like its freezing your lungs from the inside out. Is that what they're doing? Making me breathe liquid nitrogen? Is that possible? You start to think of every way possible your could ever imagine death.


"Hey! Get up!"
...
You open your eyes. "Who's there?" You call out into the darkness. Suddenly a small pink ball of fluff becomes barely visible in the dark of the night.
"That's what I should be asking YOU!" The ball of fluff remarked.
You start to answer, but are then caught off guard by the sight behind the pink fluff ball. You are on a hill, surrounded by a forest. In the middle of the forest, there seems to be a giant, faintly glowing tree, and under the tree is a small village. You don't understand why this is such a breathtaking view, but you can't help but stare at its natural beauty.
"Hello? Answer me!" The ball of fluff snaps you back into reality. Looking back at it, you realize that the ball of fluff actually is an animal, a small fennec fox, and that it's flying, with wings on its back resembling small dragon looking wings. In its front paws, or, as you look closer, hands, is a spear, and the tip is pointed right at your face
Triert wrote: I remember the old days when people would get shaped up by criticism and in turn be a better person.
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CitrusCat
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Re: Immersion

Post by CitrusCat » Sun Aug 17, 2014 2:47 am

I'm really liking this overall! I did notice some small things, however.
EvilPinkamina wrote:Looking back at it, you realize that the ball of fluff actually is an animal, a small fennec fox, and that it's flying, with wings on its back resembling small dragon looking wings.
This one sentence doesn't seem quite right. Maybe something like this would work better...?
Looking back at it, you realize that the furry shape is actually a fennec fox, flying using the small wings on its back which resembled those of a dragon.
Let me explain my changes.

1. You used the term "Ball of fluff" rather frequently. You didn't really describe it in any other way.
2. All the commas made the sentence feel a little off. It didn't seem to flow properly. Rewording the sentence in this case would eliminate the need for so many commas.
3. It doesn't seem right to describe something as "dragon looking"... This seems to be an example of someone writing the way they would talk, which is something that should be avoided.

But this was just something small. It's still really great! Keep it up! (Also, you don't have to edit what you already have unless you really want to. I was just letting you know so you'll keep it in mind for future parts of the story.)

Also, coincidentally, that whole "giant tree with a village underneath" thing happens to be something I did with my old story (which I never finished since almost no one cared about it).
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EvilPinkamina
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Re: Immersion

Post by EvilPinkamina » Sun Aug 17, 2014 2:57 am

Thanks for the feedback. I'll try and keep that in mind. The reason I used "dragon looking" was to make it seem more human. Like you were actually thinking how the story says it as oppose to being a reader on the outside, looking into the story.

I do admit though, that sentence did have way too many commas in it to resemble anything coherent. I kinda wrote this on a whim of random motivation. ^^''
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Re: Immersion

Post by CitrusCat » Sun Aug 17, 2014 2:59 am

Ah, I see.

Either way, I can't wait for more! :)
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