Madness, chapter 1

[Chaolin112]

A/N for those who have a DeviantArt account, please head here...

"Good job." I whispered softly to myself, hoping the guards wouldn't notice me. "Now I'm going to die, probably because of starvation." Why? That question has been going through my mind ever since. Why had I trust her? I should've known trusting her, trusting anyone for that matter, would get me into trouble. And now it did.

I can hear the sound of rain, which means I'm not that far underground. I think it's about 7 AM, but I'm not sure. Thinking of her makes me smile. No idea why, it just does. I sit down on the cold, hard bed, and close my eyes. In the distance, I heard a mouse squeak. And I heard other sounds too, but I couldn't figure out what they were. I didn't care either.
I had to figure out what this place is. It's like some sort of jail, only worse. I am in a fairly small room with concrete walls, with on one side a door made out of iron bars. I do know it's located on a small island in the middle of the ocean.

I don't know what the guards are, but they're certainly not human. As far as I can tell, they're undead, judging by the stench. I hear footsteps echoing through the corridor of this dungeon. Someone, or correcting myself, something, coming closer to my cell. It opens the door and runs away. For a second I'm tempted to follow it, but I decide not to. Freedom to the right, possibly death and other unhuman thinks to the left. I made the choice without thinking about it too much.

I start running. I can hear the sea outside, so the exit has to be close. I almost walk into a giant cobweb, but I evade it in time and keep running. I didn't really feel like meeting it's owner. I can see the light coming in the exit... It feels like I'm in a movie, you know, where the moment they've almost reached the exit they get killed. I had other things on my mind so I didn't really care about this either. I run through the entrance of this mad building and look around me. There is a small boat that someone probably used to get here. I am about to enter it as I hear something behind me. I turn around, looking at a gun, and it's owner. An almost human-like creature holds the gun. It pulls the trigger, and I close my eyes, waiting for the bullet to enter my body and put an end to my miserable life... But that moment doesnt come.

I open my eyes, and I'm surprised by what I see. The creature and a girl both lay on the ground, probably dead. I realise the girl is the one that got me into this mess in the first place. I knew I had to save her, take her with me and get her to a hospital, but I couldn't. I stare at her pretty face, probably for the last time and get in the boat.

I can clearly see the coast, I've probably been in this boat for about 2 hours now. It was way closer than I remembered it to be... Suddenly, I notice something I haven't seen before. There was a small display on the bottom of the boat, slightly hidden so you wouldn't notice it immediately. Well, that sure worked. Wondering what a display like that does in an old wooden boat like this, I take a closer look at it. There are 2 wires sticking out of it, and the display is counting down. 2:59... 2:58... 2:57... I'd rather not find out what happens when it reaches 0:00, but I already knew the answer.

I have to get out of this boat! About to jump, I remember I can't swim...

[Lamby]

The major problem with this piece is that your verb tense shifts too much. In first person you can get away with shifting to past tense and back to present only if the character is referring to their memory. Events happening at the present time chronologically must sustain a consistent verb tense. And because there is no looking back, you must use only one tense.

I think you may want to consider extending this chapter or adding details. The first chapter of anything should have enough exposition to answer who, what, when, where and why, even if you save revealing the full extent of each question until later on. Structurally, you have good technique, but aesthetically there isn't much to extrapolated. A reader should want to know what is happening next in first person, but they should know why the character is in the situation they're in, and at least all the information the character has at present.

Nevertheless, good start.