Chao Fiction: May's story

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kidrat529
Quester Chao
Quester Chao
Posts: 173
Joined: Thu May 23, 2013 3:43 pm

Chao Fiction: May's story

Post by kidrat529 »

I have a story in a form that you guys are not able to read, but I'm so going to post it. But first, if there's anything wrong with it please PM me. (This is Chao Years btw)

Code: Select all

Dark Blue Text=May
Pink Text=Nicole
Green Text=Sivler
Light Blue Text=Baruch
Introduction:
Spoiler:
May was just born by her Chao mother, Nicole Cera, and her Chao Father, Sivler Cera. She then, had to leave home and makes some friends, as her Mother directed her to do. All she made were enemies. She met Baruch, and they became friends. She was very protective of everyone, and insecure about her looks. Then she became so quiet, she turned into a Mime. She learned the language of French, and also Occitan. She only speaks when she needs to. Her and Baruch never were any more than friends. When she was young, she would have a paper bag on her head. But now, she has a $20000 Wool Beanie... She was broke.
Chapter 1: Ages 1-3
Spoiler:
"Mother?" She quietly asked. "Yes?" "When do you think dad will be back?" She sounded sad, her tone was light. "He won't... He's gone." Nicole started to tear up. "What do you mean, mother?" "Just, come in bed with me..." It was very, very quiet. No response was given. "I remember you when you first came out of your egg..." She started to smile slightly.
Chapter 2: Ages 4-6
Spoiler:
May was walking towards a cafe, and she saw Baruch pass by her left. He stops. "May?" His tone was very scratchy. "...Baraq?" She tries to guess his name a few times. "Barack? Barrak? Baraq?... Baruch!?" "It's Baruch." He said with a sick sound. He had the flu...
eblu
Chaos Chao
Chaos Chao
Posts: 2284
Joined: Sun May 03, 2009 7:28 pm

Re: Chao Fiction: May's story

Post by eblu »

gosh kidrat you have the same past/present tense problem as snowy

anyway

needs to have longer chapters

more adjectives

and a bunch of other improvements
kidrat529
Quester Chao
Quester Chao
Posts: 173
Joined: Thu May 23, 2013 3:43 pm

Re: Chao Fiction: May's story

Post by kidrat529 »

I know, I know. I just kinda left it cause it wasn't really going anywhere. When people don't really like it, I don't continue it. :)
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