Chao Street

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Some of these words are a bit hard for a 11 year old to understand!
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SilverRabbit
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Chao Street

Post by SilverRabbit »

CHAPTER ONE: STREET SCHOOL
Spoiler:
Neptune sighed as he walked into his school, he saw his classmates all laughing at him for being late. His depression was hard to get over. Jonty, the schools biggest bully Chao hit Neptune and said "Sucker!" The teacher, Miss Jellywobble looked at Jonty. Jonty sat down in terror because the teacher had seen him. Miss Jellywobble pointed at Jo since she was playing around on her chair scribbling notes on the desk. "To the head!" shouted Miss Jellywobble. "H-head, what do you mean and would it have blood dripping out of it?" said Jo with anxiousness. "No, the headteacher." "Oh." said Jo relieved. "She looks to relieved." whispered Jonty to Thomason. "Yeah." Thomason said. The bell rang after a big maths test and everyone went outside. Delilah rolled down her favourite hill and she bumped into Skull he was a new kid who seemed to be the actual bully. Delilah quickly ran away from Skull and he smiled an evil grin at Delilah. "Excuse me class, I have go to a rendezvous this afternoon so miss Julia will be with you. Neptune just dipped his head down in depression. "Why was I being conspicuous earlier?" Jonty said to himself and looked upset.
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Prince Ricard
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Re: Chao Street

Post by Prince Ricard »

You need to vary your sentence beginnings. It feels too much like a timeline at this point. Use more adjectives, elaborate.
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