Flash Fiction

[Pastaa~Chao]

An old middle class man walked on the street as he ignored the smells of cigarette smoke and delectable hot dogs and hamburgers and other fried foods which he was sure he would get a heart attack from should he eat them too much. Even though the electronic red hand had disappeared from the pedestrian stop light, taxi drivers sent deafening honks towards the elder as he weaved in and out of the hectic disarray of Chevys, Lexuses, Ferraris, and other vanity pieces of automobiles when the white man appeared on the rectangular stop light.

The old man sighed in relief as he strolled on into Central Park as the city glass skyscrapers began fading away from his sight. Lush, lovely greenery and blossoms as well as long winding roads of asphalt stretched on ahead of him. Walking on, he saw that many kinds of people enjoyed the park: languid cloud watchers to sweaty joggers and so on forth.

What was strange was that he encountered a beautiful young lady in a shimmering coral pink dress offering a happy yet homeless peasant dressed in soiled rags some money. She dropped a few dimes into the empty Starbucks coffee cup beside the cardboard sign which illegible chicken scrawls manifested on. The hobo thanked the lady and bid her farewell.

The woman then proceeded to offer an equal amount of money to the city bums in Hoovervilles scattered across from north to south and west to east. All the while, he, the old business man, saw, his eyes wide with amazement. These homeless people were ungrateful and bitter as they didn't even give her a second's glance. Still, the woman continued.

Then, she left, her job finished, and the old man felt compelled to follow. They both came across a black bench with chipped paint and sat down. "Hello; how may I help you?" the woman said, her voice shimmering and ringing like silver bells.

His mouth was dry as he took time to word his inquiry. "Why did you help all these people? Only one was going to make good use of what little you gave them."

"Because I wanted to help them: all of them no matter what."

"Wait a second, ma'am. You're getting away with your thoughts. There no possibly way you can help all of them," was his gruff reply.

"So?" The woman shrugged. "It made a difference for the first."

[ςθηιс]

Well written.

[SkyGinge]

As always with you, really well written and entertaining. In one sentence, you managed to make some random old guy walking across a street into an instantly likeable character. Detailed comments in bold:

An old middle class man walked on the street as he ignored the smells of cigarette smoke and delectable hot dogs and hamburgers and other fried foods which he was sure he would get a heart attack from should he eat them too much. Even though the electronic red hand had disappeared from the pedestrian stop light, taxi drivers sent deafening honks towards the elder as he weaved in and out of the hectic disarray of Chevys, Lexuses, Ferraris, and other vanity pieces of automobiles when the white man appeared on the rectangular stop light. There's just something about this as an opening paragraph that just works so well. After reading it, I feel instantly charmed at just how human and real it seems. The level of description is just deep enough in just the right places to give us great imagery yet not become too dull. There's a couple if little bits of wording that I think could be improved: maybe "walked down" instead of "walked on", and perhaps tidying up the rest of that comedic, brilliant first sentence so that doesn't quite flow just right for me.

The old man sighed in relief as he strolled on into Central Park as the city glass skyscrapers began fading away from his sight. Lush, lovely greenery and blossoms as well as long winding roads of asphalt stretched on ahead of him. Walking on, he saw that many kinds of people enjoyed the park: languid cloud watchers to sweaty joggers and so on forth. Being very harsh, I might suggest that you try to use as a little less for word variety. Also, what on earth does languid mean? Whatever the answer, it sounds beautiful.

What was strange was that he encountered a beautiful young lady in a shimmering coral pink dress offering a happy yet homeless peasant dressed in soiled rags some money. She dropped a few dimes into the empty Starbucks coffee cup beside the cardboard sign which illegible chicken scrawls manifested on. The hobo thanked the lady and bid her farewell. Why was it strange? Also, I feel there should be an on after "cardboard sign". Maybe that's just me being very particular though.

The woman then proceeded to offer an equal amount of money to the city bums in Hoovervilles scattered across from north to south and west to east. All the while, he, the old business man, saw, his eyes wide with amazement. These homeless people were ungrateful and bitter as they didn't even give her a second's glance. Still, the woman continued. I don't feel "saw" is the right word to use here, maybe "watched" or "observed" instead. I also see a great opportunity to avoid using as here ;)

Then, she left, her job finished, and the old man felt compelled to follow. They both came across a black bench with chipped paint and sat down. "Hello; how may I help you?" the woman said, her voice shimmering and ringing like silver bells. I feel like a little more build up was needed edited them meeting properly. But wow, that description is divine!

His mouth was dry as he took time to word his inquiry. "Why did you help all these people? Only one was going to make good use of what little you gave them."

"Because I wanted to help them: all of them no matter what."

"Wait a second, ma'am. You're getting away with your thoughts. There no possibly way you can help all of them," was his gruff reply.

"So?" The woman shrugged. "It made a difference for the first." No capitalisation needed on "The".

I've been perhaps too perceptive here for such a short section of writing. Anyhow, great as always, apologies for not reviewing this before.

[Lamby]

^As is not a word you should really change for word variety. It should only be changed when another word better strengthens what you are trying to communicate--which I think it is you're actually trying to suggest? You only should be manipulating adjectives and adverbs for variety, which she does well. You manipulate other words for imagery clarity. Frequent use of as really means nothing as it's just a signal of comparison or connection and is virtually preferential.

@Pastaa: You have a wonderful sense of narrative and voice, and I can visualize the characters you have created. I'm most impressed with your ability to show and imply, rather than tell.

[SkyGinge]

@ABat: Yup, that's what I meant. I really need to get better at explaining myself. But I'm fairly certain I said, if not then infered that it was a preferential thing :')

[Lamby]

Still, word variety is a far cry from what you're talking about, and if I were Pastaa I would honestly have no idea what that meant, implied or not. I'd fix that for her benefit is all. I have no issues with your actual advice.

[Enzo03]

huh. Looks like an old story I've heard some time ago... and many times before.