I'm writing a story.

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livig.
Brave Chao
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I'm writing a story.

Post by livig. »

Here's what I've got so far. It's a story that was supposed to be a short story for school assignments, but I got carried away. I've been fixing it and patching it up over the course of a few days. I think it's amazing, and I would encourage you to read what I've written so far! I'll accept feedback, and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. >.> I'll update as I go. These are all in chapters.

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MAYDAY
By yours truly 8))

Prolouge
Spoiler:
I remember it all, clear as day.
It was chaotic.
I almost died.
In fact, everyone but me on that plane did.
I remember Eve calling out to me as we started descending; “Karina! Karina,” but I made a mistake.
I betrayed her.
I shouldn’t have let go. I shouldn’t have let her fly out the smashed window and fall like a dandelion seed to her death.
Chapter 1
Spoiler:
It all started at an airport in my hometown, Warrenton, Virginia. Me and my best friend, Eve, were on our way to China for a social studies report. We wanted extra credit from our history teacher, Mr. Spielburg. Kids made fun of us, calling us teacher’s pets, but we knew they were jealous of our smarts. Being a sophomore wasn’t that easy, after all.
Hence, I loved abroad studying. I really wanted to do this sort of thing for a living. It just kind of sparked my imagination since I was a little girl. Something snapped in me one history class, and I knew I had potential just as Mr. Spielburg said. So, I decided to leave Fauquier High School for a couple of weeks and catch up on the world around me.

“Ready to get on?” Eve asked me, flipping her luscious blonde hair.
“I guess so,” I said nervously, as I grabbed my torn navy blue backpack and headed out of the food court. One of the zippers on the side was torn off from my dog, Raja, and I grasped it so it wouldn’t tumble off with the rest of my belongings.
The hallways were very crowded. People of all sorts leaned against the gray tiled walls. Everyone was bustling back and forth, being aware of the time so they didn’t miss their scheduled flight. A woman glanced at me, smiling as she dissapeared around the corner.
“Attention passengers,” the nagging female voice echoed on the loudspeaker. “Flight 409 is boarding at Gate B. Please report now.” Eve and I slung our bulky, annoying luggage over our shoulders and headed towards the plane.

As we plopped down in our seats, I started to feel queasy. I lurched forward in my seat as I got butterflies in my stomach.
“You okay?” Eve asked, looking at me with a slight frown.
“Oh, just nervous,” I replied uncertainly, as I jammed my bag in the overhead compartment. I was nervous. This was my first time high in the sky. I had a slight phobia of heights.
And dying.

During takeoff, I watched the paved platform under me roll along as if it were doing so effortlessly. For some reason, this gave me a bad feeling. I lulled myself to sleep to stop my nervousness.

For what seemed a few hours passed, I awoke to the dreaded sound that only a nightmare could fathom. “Attention, all passengers, there has been an engine malfunction. Please stay calm and grab the oxygen masks above you.”
I gasped, looking around me. Everyone was screaming as the plane swayed out of control.Babies were crying, teens were screaming. It was chaos. I turned to my left to see Eve in tears, screaming and yelling.

“We’re going to die! We’re going to die!” She started to grab the mask dangling above her seat with fear.
“No we’re not!” I yelled back, doing the same as Eve, tears stinging the corners of my eyes. “Just do what they say-”
And then it happened.
A bag flew out of the compartment and smashed the window out. For some odd reason, the window caught on fire and took Eve with the wind. I heard her faint scream cloaked beneath the smokescreen.
“NOOO! EVE!” I shouted and cried as I tried to defog my vision. I couldn’t hold my sorrow together.
She was gone. Forever. My best friend, engulfed in flames.
I had to stay strong, so I put on the mask and clung to my bag for dear life.
And then it all went black.
Chapter 2
Spoiler:
As I slipped back into my consciousness, I awoke to see more dense fog. I cleared my vision once more to see myself floating on the now torn plane seat.
Wait, where am I? I thought, looking around restlessly. Oh, no. Please, no.
There was murky blue-gray water all around me. I was in the middle of nowhere, bobbing up and down like a buoy. I couldn’t see anything at all, just the sea and crashed plane remnants. I was further than the naked eye can see.

“Where am I?” I yelled. “Am I even in the United States border anymore? Are there any more survivors? Hello?”
Panicking for safety, I noticed my navy bag bobbing up and down, trying not to sink into the depths of the ocean just below my feet. I tried to kick my seat over so I could grasp the same darn bag that killed my best friend. I was in a bad situation, and I had to get myself out of it. This was worse than the Titanic. Who can help me?Are there sharks? Will I live to see tomorrow?
As I started drifting East of my direction, I noticed a distant object on the horizon. It was near nightfall, so I didn’t have much longer to see where I was floating towards until dawn. It appeared to be something like a small island, so I tried to lean forward in my seat to the distant island. Don’t fall asleep, don’t, I thought to myself. I was getting really exhausted, but I was afraid of getting my leg bitten off by a shark or another kind of vicious preadator that lurks in the sea. I just had to make it through the night so I could get to land.
As the crescent moon slipped behind an eerie grey cloud, the sky became pitch black. The stars seemed to dissapear and fall into a gauping dimensional hole in the sky. I couldn’t see anything for what seemed an eternity. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I spotted some red lights dotting the sky like distant planets. They were in a formation. Aliens? I figured out in an instant that they were part of a plane. “Hey!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, teary eyed. “Down here! Help me,” but the plane flew on as if I were a ghost that no one cared about. I clung to my stupid backpack and cried loudly. Eve was right. I am going to die.
Chapter 3
Spoiler:
All night I sobbed, falling asleep and then waking up every twenty minutes. It was harder to sleep here than in my pitch black room, but quieter. I bit my tongue just thinking about it. The night dragged on so slowly that it seemed as if the world was shrouded in eternal darkness. I couldn’t stop thinking about my family and Eve. I felt the tears lagging behind my eyes once more.
I reached into my bag and found my silver phone. It was still very wet, and the screen was blurry and pixely, but thankfully, it at least worked. I tried calling my parents, but my phone had little battery. I tried calling so many times, but the signal was terrible. Eventually, my phone died out. I grunted.
“Work already,” I yelled into my phone. I was so frustrated that I threw it far out into the murky blue-grey water.
“Great,” I said, feeling like an idiot. “I’m so stupid. Now I have no way of reaching anyone at all.”
On and on I floated, things turing even more and more dramatic. I’m far out into the middle of the East coast, bobbing helplessly in a crashed and burned plane seat, the only survivor, there are sharks beneath my treading feet, and I have no phone to call 911. The island didn’t seem to be coming any closer, and the moon’s edges barely seared through the thick clouds above my head. After awhile, I could see the sky turning a lighter shade of purple-blue. The stars dissapeared once again, like vampires in the morning sun.
My eyes were getting heavy. I could feel the wrinkles forming underneath my lids. I glanced as far out as I could see. I could barely spot the sun coming up through the water. If only it was bright enough to see where the island was. It was my only hope.
If I even have any left.
Chapter 4
Spoiler:
As the sun peaked out of the horizon, I noticed that I was much closer to the once distant island. In fact, I was less than a mile away, I believe. I survived the whole night unharmed. I deserve a medal. Passion burned inside of me. I know I have hope again.
“Yes!” I shouted, kicking my legs back and forth in my seat to row myself swiftly towards the island. I still had energy from last night, and I thought that I had burned it off from being so scared and upset. I didn’t even care how tired I was, I just wanted to get to the island in hope that someone would find me and rescue me eventually.
The scent of the sea was getting stronger, and I realized that the water had lapped against me so hard that I smelled like the gross things that lurk in the ocean. My hair was greasy, drenched, and coated in salt, and I felt the dirtiest I have ever been in my life.
After being so distracted by this, I noticed that I was only a few feet away from the shore. I jumped off the reeking seat, took my bag, slipped off my shoes, and hopped onto the sand with my bare feet. It scorched my skin, it was like walking on an inferno.
“Yes!” I shouted, holding my hands in fists to the sky. “I am a survivor!” Running toward the dense and dark jungle that cloaked the middle of the island, I heard a rumble echo and roll through the sky. A jet plane, I thought as I looked upward to the white, blazing sun. Sure enough, I saw a gleaming white jet not too high in the sky above me, streaming along like a racecar.
“Hey, down here,” I yelled once more, waving my arms to and fro. “Help! Help!” The jet flew on not noticing me similarly to the one I saw last night. I sighed, collapsing on my knees down to the scorching peachy sand. “I’ll never go back home.”
I panned the area South of me. Was the jungle a safe place to go? Surely there are more toothy preadators searching the canopies and the forest floor. At least it was a good food source. What if I were to die in there?
Do I worry too much? Should I take the risk?

Chapter 5
Spoiler:
Strapping on my shoes, I brushed off my legs, stretched out, and started bolting. Good thing I am a runner.
Approaching the forested area boldly on this mysterious island once more, I heard a low rumbling growl in one of the bushes bordering the tips. I stepped back quickly, then ran away from the leering creature in the jungle. I gasped. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat wildly.
“There is no way that I’m going in there,” I said, looking back and trembling. “But how do I get food? I need to eat or I’ll die of hunger now,” I felt my stomach growling. It hurt really badly, and I needed to think fast. I was afraid of dying around every corner. I thought of one of my science classes. The food chain lesson I had last unit.
What kind of food can you find in a jungle? I thought again. “Bananas!” I shouted. “School actually might have saved my life.” Laughing at my lame joke, I ran towards the jungle, but entering a different side than last time.
I ran through the dense brush and ferns as fast as my long legs could carry me. The straps to my new pair of blue-green Nikes were tangling in the gnarled roots of the old trees I ran past. I struggled to push away dark green vines coming down from over my head, so I ducked instead to avoid getting strangled. I found a bunch of ripe bananas like I planned, but they were high up on a tree that seemed as tall as the Redwoods.
“Great,” I murmured to myself. “Just great.” I decided to try and climb the tree, so I put my feet against the rough crimson wood. I managed to scrape my thigh, but I kept climbing upward. The limbs seemed ready to break and fall off, and I was afraid that they would drag me down with them. The twigs kept scratching against my legs, and I ended up getting battered when I reached the bananas. I reached forward to my treasure, but the dew covered branch that I was perched upon made me slip. Luckily, I caught my balance and grasped my yellow prize.
Suddenly, I noticed that my bag was unzipped.The same annoying half-on zipper that Raja bit. Stupid dog. I turned around and took it off of my broad shoulders to zip it-carefully- so nothing would fall out.
“Let’s see what I’ve got that’s useful in here,” I said, using my resources. “Headphones, probably ruined, and no phone anyways. I’ve got a jacknife-Dad, why’d you sneak that in? Wait, I could use that, too. I have drenched, ink-smeared brochures, probably dead laptop, soaking wet sketchpad-“
Another growl echoed in the distance. It seemed to act like a cloud- passing over me, then fading throughout the edges of the jungle.
“What was that?” I slipped again, falling all the way down this time.
The landing wasn’t exactly like a cat’s, but I couldn’t move. I was on the alert. This was the first time where I was at the bottom of the food chain.
I heard an animal moving through the thick ferns nearby, hissing and leering me once more. Was this the same animal as before? Was I going to see another day? Or second, perhaps?
Chapter 6
Spoiler:
As my eyes darted viciously, searching for the preadator, a branch fell right where the shaking was coming from.
“Crap,” I said under my breath. “What the-“
The rustling creature leaped swiftly out of the ferns. All the birds stopped calling out to one another. Sure enough, it was a toothy preadator.
A black panther, with sleek, glossy dark fur and emerald green, piercing eyes that literally stare right through you.
Darting through the thick shrubs, bananas in hand, I vigorously tried outrunning the huge cat. That was the biggest mistake I had ever made.
When I stopped, catching my breath, it leaped right over the top of me, as its sharp claws barely grazed the crown of my head. If I could repeat it in slow motion, you could have seen merely centimeters away from my death.
Now was the time to pull out dad’s jacknife. Thanks, dad. Now he saved my life.
“Now this,” I looked it dead in the eyes. “This is for my dad! And Eve!”
I managed to slice the edge of the panther’s tail, slitting just a tiny bit of fur off of it. The poor thing yelped, then darted away faster than cars on the highway. Now, I feel kind of awful for hurting nature. But, if I have to defend my life, I’ll do what I have to.
Managing to make it out of there alive, I finally plop down in the screaming hot sand to eat. If I had gone any longer without food, I might have died again. For some odd reason, eating reminded me of lunch time at Fauquier High with Eve.
Eve, I thought. Just mentioning her name made me have to gulp down the stinging tears again. I wonder if she is my guardian angel, saving me and guiding me through the worst memorable days of my life. I grunt, peeling open the last of my fruity paradise.
After eating, I grin a toothy smile. “I’m doing just fine. I can make it.”
Satisfied, I gaze at my view of the orangey-pink sunset. It was beautiful. I’ve never seen so many seagulls skim the water’s edges so gracefully. They were like fairies flying in a garden full of flowers.
This whole setting is making me more and more nostalgic. I need an S.O.S., but how can I signal other planes?
And where am I?
***NEW***
Chapter 7
Spoiler:
As the sunset faded once more, I would have rather stayed out in the open water through the night than the island I am on. I mean, I’m now sleeping next to a huge jungle on an island in the middle of the Pacific ocean. I don’t know whether the panther will come back for it’s revenge, and if anything else in there would come out and kill me for a midnight snack.
Speaking of midnight snack, those bananas didn’t exactly fill me up. I needed to venture through the jungle again.
But this time, it’s far more dangerous. It’s night.
Slinging my bag over my shoulders again, I started to bolt back through the middle. I heard a faint twig snap, somwhere close to the edges of the trees. I stopped dead in my tracks.
No, not again, I thought to myself. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat again. Is it the panther?
Not moving the slightest bit, I panned the area in front of me. I didn’t see anything like a huge cat, so I started for the jungle again. When I reached it, I realized this was the dumbest time to not have a phone. I had no flashlight, and I couldn’t see anything, just like my room back in bed where I ominously wish I was.
I could only see sillouhettes of the vines and roots, so I kept stumbling again and again. I think I got my foot caught in a root and twisted my ankle. Now that I’m injured, I won’t be able to run away fast if I have to, which is also part of my good luck so far. I guess the only thing I can do is hide like a little kid, thinking, “If I can’t see it, it can’t see me.” Good luck I haven’t seen anything coming again, because I suck at playing hide and seek.
Reaching the same point I was earlier, I noticed the bananas that were there earlier have been stolen.
Not by me.
Hopefully it was a monkey or a harmless toucan, because I am not going to hide crappily from a babboon or something.
What can I eat now, I ponder. What else? The best bet I’ve got besides animal is fruit. And I’m not skinning a panther.
Darting further and further, I mark the trees I go past with the blade so I can make it out alive. I need to be as fast as possible. Who knows what’s out here?
Chapter 8
Spoiler:
Glancing around the further and further I get, I couldn’t find anything to eat. I don’t even know if I was hungry anymore. I was losing energy, and I am so far out into the middle. People may call me Wimberly Worried, but no one can be too scared in a situation like this. Running this fast was like running the Boston Marathon. Difficult, and exhausting.
Besides, where can I get fresh water? I can feel my briney skin making bubbles in the palms of my hands. I’m scared to see the bottom of my feet from the sand, as well as my right ankle. It could have a huge gash, and be bleeding right through my sock. Now I can die from 2 causes- infection or dehydration. Great.
“Please, Eve,” I whisper, keeeping my voice down. “ Please help me.”
Looking around in the tree canopy, I notice something that seemed to appear out of thin air. It surely wasn’t there the last time I looked.
“Bananas? What....?” I was shocked. There could only be one explanation.
Eve really was my guardian angel. Weird, yet comforting.
Scrambling up the tree trunk, I was more careful. I didn’t get any more scars on my legs, if there were even any room left for them. Maybe I would just spend the night up in the tree.
Or maybe not.
I heard a whooping noise just trees away from me. It was surely a babboon. I’ve heard them on the Discovery Channel.
Jamming the bananas into my bag, I scurried back down the tree and hid behind a mossy rock the size of a baby elephant. The babboon was probably mad at me now. I could hear him slamming the branches beneath him, as he was using his huge palms and calling out. His blood red eyes were searching madly throughout the jungle, probably for me. He must have seen me grab the yellow fruit. This is going to be bad if he sees me dart away, so I plan my escape from behind the rock.
Chapter 9
Spoiler:
Dashing from rock to rock as fast as my sore feet could carry me, the babboon didn’t seem to notice. Not hearing him make the noise anymore, I realized I only had one more rock to hide behind before I could escape into the shadows. What are the odds of him catching me, anyways? When he wasn’t looking, I took my chance and lept across, but I tripped over a small pit in the ground.
I was caught yellow handed. I dropped the bananas by accident. The monkey snapped his head to the side to see me lying facedown on the ground. I had to play dead, otherwise I was going to be fresh kill. Did babboons eat humans, anyway? I’m not taking another chance. My head was throbbing with so much pain, but I couldn’t make a sound or move. This is the second animal today that almost killed me.
Eventually, the babboon dissappeared once more into the canopies of the trees. There were so many strange birds calling out together. It was like an orchestra of flutes and oboes. I stood back up slowly again, and finally reached the edge of the jungle.
I was finally back on the beach. It was like coming home after a long trip. The sky was slowly getting lighter, and I couldn’t see the crescent moon anymore. It was probably on the other side of this island. For now, I could plop back down in the sand and enjoy the only food availible to me again.
Since I was getting bored, and things were very dramatic, I decided to rummage through my bag and see if I have anything else useful to me.
“Let’s see,” I flipped through all the little pockets in my navy bag. I found a compartment in the front pouch that appeared to be bulky. I unstrapped the velcro seal and found my compact mirror that I use to help me with makeup.
“Wonder if this will come in handy,” I moved my fingers across the sparkly aqua mirror. “I’ll see if I can do anything with it in the morning.”
Last edited by livig. on Mon Jul 29, 2013 5:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
reshiramchao
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Re: I'm writing a story.

Post by reshiramchao »

you are an AMAZING writer... i LOVE the story! AWESOME JOB! keep it up. :chaohappy:
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Lamby
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Re: I'm writing a story.

Post by Lamby »

Have you ever read the book Hatchet? Your writing style reminds me of Gary Paulsen, only if he was writing in first person. I have to ask if you're considering writing as a career, because if you are, I think you have what it takes to pursue that dream. I think it was an excellent choice to refer to the event before the story began, because it puts the reader in the suspense of wondering what happened to make the intro so grim. I do think you could add more to the beginning of chapter one in terms of the character having a bad feeling about the day or bad omen symbolism to add to that pre-crash suspense, but that is less of a criticism and more of a suggestion. Also, that beginning is not an epilogue. An epilogue is strictly about events after the main plot. What you have is a prelude exposition that is pretty common to first-person narratives, but truly belongs at the beginning of chapter one.

But, that aside, I'm very impressed that you have such good craft for your age. I'm going to keep reading. Great job.
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fieryQuantum
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Re: I'm writing a story.

Post by fieryQuantum »

Remind me to contact you when my colleague and I begin our animated series!
My Nintendo Network ID for Wii U/3DS: fQuantum
My Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/supermarioman11/
My Skype: cameron.dilbeck
My twitch: http://www.twitch.tv/supermarioman11
My 3DS friend code: 3265-63962357
(15:55:08) fieryQuantum: I was literally freaking out to the point where I almost had a heart attack and died right there, which would have been beyond ironic.
livig.
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Re: I'm writing a story.

Post by livig. »

Thanks, guys! I actually wanna be a multimedia artist, though.
I just added 3 more chapters, too! 8D

>>I would also like to add that I am very pleased with the feedback I am getting for my writing. It makes me feel so much smarter, and I'm happy that I can express myself even further through my writing. (I don't see at all from as to exactly why I am getting a B+ for my overall English grade this year, especially that my writing is strikingly similar to Gary Paulsen, haha.) I have no idea how many more chapters I can squeeze into until I get to the climax, but I'll do my best! Thanks for reading, everyone!
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