Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

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Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SilverRabbit »

Credits(Why would I need this?? XD):
Turrys belong to me.

CHAPTER ONE:
I turned around to see Catsy the pinkish-purple cat turry stumbling with all of her books. "Let me help you, Catsy." I said. "Singing class is gonna be soon..." said Catsy ignoring me. I sighed and took my bag full of books from Catsy. "Thanks." said Catsy happily. I smiled back and said "Your welcome." I saw Terrawolf looking a bit annoyed so I shouted "Terrawolf, whats wrong wrong!?" He looked back at me and said "Its just I need to write a script for my song but i'm not the best at these things..." "Have confidence, Terrawolf and you'll have a great song in no time." I said. "Oh, ok." replied Terrawolf.

MUSIC CLASS WAS FINALLY ON:
Miss Musibird look around and said "Ok class, first i'll do the register!" her pink wings flapped.

"BunBun the green rabbit turry!" I looked at Miss Musibird and said "Here."
"Terrawolf the dark aquamarine wolf!" "Here."
"Catsy the pinkish-purple cat!" "Here."
"Katsy the yellow cat!" "Here"
"Ginger the orange cat!" "Here."
"Neicat the lilac cat!" "H-here"
"Skelilizard the light grey lizard!" "HERE!!!"
"Quackrel the brown and orange platypus!" "Quack, here."
"Trapcap the dark pinkish-purple cat." "Meow, here."

"Ok then, let the lesson begin!, Trapcap goes first" said Miss Musibird...

TO BE CONTINUED
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SkyGinge »

First off, this could do with a lot more description and detail as I as a reader have very bottle idea what is going on at all. What is a turry? Who is "I"? What does everybody else look like? Why are they all at this music place? Where and what is this music place? Make sure that your readers can actually grasp what is going on as otherwise they will not enjoy your writing. There are a few minor grammar issues but nothing too major, so if you get description as stuff solved then I can go through that with you if you like.

Another thing not really related to your story that I'd like to add is a comment on this:
TO BE CONTINUED
You have put this on all of the many stories you have started yet never gone back to a single one. You should really start going back to things after the first chapter as otherwise you just clutter up this forum section.
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!

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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SilverRabbit »

Thats rude, i'm not a teenager. I still don't know all my grammer and tougher words :darkangry:
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by Snowy »

Pffft. That's not called being rude. He's helping you improve on your writting. And I am 12, and I know the average grammar for my age. Age is no excuse for knowledge. And plus. I was born in Puerto Rico and spoke/wrote in Spanish for 11 Years. I learned how to speak English thanks to English Classes/Youtube Videos/Movies in Puerto Rico and grammar thanks to my English Teacher In New York. (Where I live.)
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SkyGinge »

I wasn't being rude, but if I unintentionally was (somehow) then I apologise. If anything, I was actually praising your grammar as it's certainly a lot ether than some of the other people your age on this site.

But as Snowy said, age isn't an excuse. I have you constructive criticism for you to take on to help you to develop as a writer. Of course you're not going to be the new Shakespeare aged 12, and anybody would be stupid to presume that. But gradual progression through the help of reviewers is the best way to move on. Believe me, I was much worse than most people here grammar wise and writing wise even at the age of 14. Yet developed reviews helped me to learn and develop a lot. Don't take criticism to be offence: remember that reviewers have taken time out of their day especially to help you out and give you guidance.
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!

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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SilverRabbit »

Reviews? What do you mean by that? No one in my house would ever judge anything 'cos i'm a loner in my house most the time.
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SkyGinge »

Reviewing writing is what people like myself and Batty do. It's basically detailed feedback on another user's writing telling them how to improve, giving them advice and praise where necessary. If you look down this sub-forum you'll find many instances of this.
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!

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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SilverRabbit »

Y'know the one thing I hate are those sort of reviews, Really I hate them. -_-'''
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SkyGinge »

Why, just out of interest? What sort of reviews do you like then?
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!

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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SilverRabbit »

The truth is, i've never liked any reviews.
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by MelissaChao »

Who is Turry? I have no idea who "I" is. Is "I" Turry o BunBun? What is Turry/BunBun like? Does Turry/BunBun have any background that would be important to the story? You need to explain your characters. Every piece of literature contains a quick and small background description of the main character in the first chapter. They always include where they are, what they look like, and their situation. You need to add better detail to the story. Try something like:
I was walking through the halls of my school to my next class. I was really excited! Why? Singing class. And I loved singing class! I heard a grunt and I turned around to see my friend Catsy, a magenta colored cat, stumble after me, trying to carry all of her books. She needed to get a bag or something to help her carry those! I smiled and slowed my pace to meet hers. "Let me help you," I offered, holding out a hand and laughing.

"Singing class is going to be soon..." she mused, ignoring me. I assumed she didn't hear me. I sighed and grabbed half of the books off of her huge pile. Catsy immediately perked up. She smiled at me and thanked me in a cheery tone.

"You're welcome," I replied with a smile. We walked slowly through the hallway as we chatted away. I looked down the halls and saw my friend Terrawolf, a dark aquamarine wolf, looking a bit annoyed and frustrated. Concerned, I shouted, "Terrawolf! What's wrong?"

He turned to look at me and waved his hand. "I just need to write lyrics for my song. I'm not great at these things, though..." he trailed off, looking at the ground.

"Have confidence, Terrawolf!" I exclaimed, trying to lift his spirits. I ran towards him, leaving Catsy with her huge pile of books. "You'll have a great song in no time!"

"Oh, ok," he replied looking back at me.

As soon as a panting Catsy caught up, all three of us continued on our way to music class. As soon as we got there, we took our seats. Miss Musibird, our flamingo teacher, looked around.

"Ok, class, take your seats! I'm going to take attendance," she announced as her pink wings flapped. "BunBun?"

I looked up at the teacher, raised my hand, and called out, "here!"

Miss Musibird continued, "Terrawolf?"

"Here," Terrawolf said as he tapped his pencil against his chin.

"Catsy?"

"Here!" she yelled as she grabbed the books I carried for her and set them on her large pile.

"The other Katsy."

"Here," a yellow cat replied, crossing her legs.

"Ginger?"

"I'm here," an orange cat answered.

"Neicat?" Miss Musibird called as she checked off Ginger's name.

"H-here..." the lilac cat replied softly, slinking down into her chair.

"Skelilizard?" she continued, bracing herself for the reply to come.

"HERE!" a light gray lizard yelled, jumping up and bouncing with excitement.

Sighing, the teacher quickly checked off Skelilizard's name. "Quackrel?"

A brown and orange platypus growled out, "here."

"And finally, Trapcap!"

Meowing, a darker magenta cat replied with a quick, "here!"

"Ok! Let's begin our lesson!" Miss Musibrid exclaimed happily, clapping her hands together. "Trapcap, you're up first!"
While it's not the best way (I didn't take as much time as I should've on this), it certainly adds more detail. Plus, you didn't give me much to work with. I would add more background to it but I have no idea what their backgrounds are. And I don't know if the main character is named BunBun or Turry. It's not clear in your story so I used BunBun.

You should try to find somebody to revise your works and help you make them better. Add more detail AND MORE BACKGROUND
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SilverRabbit »

Turrys are basicly creatures that are different colours and the shape of them is hard to explain.
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by MelissaChao »

That doesn't excuse you from the lack of detail.
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SilverRabbit »

How rude.
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by MelissaChao »

It's criticism.
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by Crash32 »

you post stories online, but don't know what criticism is? also take it as though they are bring rude? i mean melissa just re-wrote your story for you, trying to help you improve! at least give her some credit/say thanks :L
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SilverRabbit »

I don't need help with my stories. :stomp:
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by MelissaChao »

You need a LOT of help with your stories.
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SkyGinge »

Of course you're not going to be the new Shakespeare aged 12, and anybody would be stupid to presume that.
And whilst I won't be as upfront as Melissa about it, with that kind of arrogant attitude you'll get nowhere.
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!

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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by MelissaChao »

Criticism helps writers improve their work. If you are really THAT against improving, then nobody should comment on your stories.

I feel like the only comments you want are "OH WOW GOOD JOB" or "THIS STORY IS GREAT" or "KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK"
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SilverRabbit »

Get lost.
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by Lamby »

What everyone has been hinting at is that your story is missing a strong exposition. An exposition contains the setting, background information about the characters, and anything else the reader should already know before reading. Remember that you already know the details so to you it probably does feel like you're doing a good job with details, but readers don't know anything about your creations, so to them it feels like a random scene with characters floating around. If they knew what you knew, then you wouldn't be seeing so much confusion. An effective exposition should be most concerned with setting, both direct (physical environment and time) and indirect (how the society operates, what anything absent in our world that exists in your story's is, etc.) and if a first person story, who your character is. You haven't finished chapter one yet, though, so for now I'll just assume you haven't had time to do all the explaining. I've been writing since I was a kid--I'm 20 now--so I know how frustrating it can be to see others criticize something you're happy with, but understand that you can choose to follow criticism or not. If you don't want to follow my advice, that is fine; I'm more interested in seeing your story grow. So here is my advice: if you want to add more detail to attract more readers, when you describe something, mention sounds, smells, and even touch to supplant what you say. As strange as it sounds, readers want inside your head. You don't need anything fancy to put them there. Trust me, this is something you'll eventually learn in school. I wouldn't suggest something just because I think you should do it my way. I don't think Melissa or anyone else would either.

That aside, here are some positives: imaginary creatures always bring joy to a story. I'm interested to learn more about turries. You also have a decent sense of plot movement for your age. Keep writing.
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SilverRabbit »

^

Everyone writes when there a kid. I learnt how to write and read when I was 7.

Anywho...

Chapter 2:
Spoiler:
I looked at TrapCap, his dark blue eyes looked like the slimiest ocean ever. I wondered if he could do this or not. He appeared to have some looks of misery as well as anger, he was upset about something for sure. He just stared at Miss Musibird and suddenly decided to speak. "Miss, I can't do this..." said TrapCap. His eyes turned into a slimy browny-green colour. "Why not, TrapCap?" "I've had a horrible-" *Cough* *Cough* I stared at them wondering if TrapCap was lying or not. I raised my hand and said "I'll do the next part!" "Go on then, BunBun" Said Musibird looking pleased. I was ready to do my wonderful song. "Did you sing it originally?" asked the teacher. "Yes, miss" said BunBun looking shy.
"I call it call it Summertime":
I sat under the oak tree,
I could only see the blossoms fall,
Falling into my hand,
Beautiful smells of Summertime in the air,
Its Summertime.

"Wonderful work!" said Musibird. "Thank you" replied BunBun.

TO BE CONTINUED
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by Lamby »

The point is that I was your age once, and criticism was hard to stomach, so I understand how you feel. That frustrating feeling never goes away, so the earlier you learn that criticism is a useful tool you're supposed to consider and decide for yourself to follow it or not, and not just people insulting you or telling you to do something their way, the better you'll feel.

I like that song you put in there. Have you ever posted poetry before? I sense that you'd be good at it if you wrote poems/songs often enough.
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Re: Turrys Story: The Singers Top 100

Post by SilverRabbit »

^

Yeah, I have posted poems before, I was really pleased with them as well.
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