War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

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Like?

I love it!
2
50%
I like it...
1
25%
It's awful, quite frankly.
1
25%
It's so horrible and it is so sad--
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No votes
Well written, but a terrible plot.
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Uhhh.I don't get it.
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Total votes: 4

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The Ice Maiden
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War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by The Ice Maiden »

Prologue
I guess you could say I am all alone in this hateful, horrible world.
My name is Darklin. Yes, I am a fully fledged run chao, but that doesn't make me a hero. Everyone thinks that, just because we resemble Sonic, we're all just great and lovey-dovey and just wanna save you. It's not true; I'm probably one of the most negative chao you've ever seen. But, this is all beside the point; I'm here only to tell you of what I got out of helping save the Chao World--
This.
I live in an empty, colorless, dead land full of nothing--literally. It's awful, and I feel so alone, and probably it's because I have negative emotions to every other chao, because it was me who was the one being scarred the whole time. Everyone has an unforgiving past, and some people cope with it better than others. I didn't--couldn't--cope with the horror behind me, and now I've just got more too add to the story.
It's unfair!
What did I do to deserve this?
I'm in a LIVING WAR ZONE here, but instead of victory for one side, both sides end up in a doomful, everlasting perish, and those two sides belong too me; being crushed by an opposing side that just doesn't care.
Well, then, I guess it's just time to change. But no one will be here too recognize it.
Pish-posh! Who needs change? I couldn't get out of this place anyway, so why do I have too? Those idiots will just have to deal with me! I can take care of myself! And I did, and no one had too help me, no one had too care for me, and they didn't, neither, they didn't even care when I fell to my doom--supposedly--into this horrible, inescapable place!
...
...
Who am I kidding...
I guess I sort of do deserve this fate.
I guess that I just wasn't a good enough person too count on.
I guess...I guess that I'll just have to be alone. For now, and forever.
And no one will care.
Last edited by The Ice Maiden on Sat Aug 31, 2013 11:13 pm, edited 7 times in total.
peace out ci
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Tri
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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by Tri »

Write more!
This is a REALLY old avatar, so thanks to SonicRainboom!

I finally got a deviantart! Only one drawing now, but check it out!
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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by SkyGinge »

This works wonders as a prologue and I am already enticed into wanting to see what has caused these feelings for this chao, so congratulations. I could easily see this as a very effective monologue: I love the variance in emotion and feelings throughout the piece. This really did strike a good chord on me, especially considering your age, and I'm really impressed already. I hope the main storyline can live up to this opening.

That said, there are a few issues of wrong grammar and dodgy word choices, which I will point over now:
Yes, I am a Fully Fledged Run chao, but that doesn't make me a hero.
None of these, bar Yes and I, need to be capitalised.
just because we resembled Sonic
I'd say that resemble is more appropriate than resembled as neutral/run chao will always resemble Sonic, they don't just resemble Sonic in the past.
I'm probably one of the more negative chao you've ever seen
I think you mean most instead of more.
; I'm here only too tell you of what I got out of helping save the Chao World--
To, not too. You use too when adding things on as in also (curse my terrible explanation skills), for example: "Mummy, I want an ice-cream too!". Also, a double hyphen is incorrect punctuation usage: you clearly understand how to use hyphens, but only one is needed. These two issues persist throughout the entire piece, so I won't reiterate the point on the later reoccurrences (gosh, where did the sudden flash of nerd words come from? 0.o)
It's awful, and I feel so alone, and maybe it's because I had negative emotions to every other chao, but it's because I was the one being scarred by time.


This sentence feels a little sketchy as a whole to me. Have negative emotions instead of had negative emotions as it is a feeling in the present as well as the past, although is it is purely from the past then ignore this. Otherwise, I think what bugs me is how by putting maybe you suggest that your character has only vague suspicions as to why she feels alone, yet in the same sentence she continues and shows that they know for certain. Hmm.
I didn't--couldn't--cope with the horror behind me,
Having said that you know how to use hyphens, this is incorrect usage and both of these should be commas.
I'm in a LIVING WAR ZONE, here, but instead of victory for one side, both sides end up in a doomful, everlasting perish, and those two sides belong too me; being crushed by an opposing side that just didn't care.
A couple of things here. Firstly, I feel there are far too many unnecessary commas here. Remove the one after ZONE, and perhaps the one after side, although this one is ok. The sentence itself is confusing as to what it is supposed to mean. Once again, you swap tenses halfway through a sentence without good reason: the opposing side still doesn't care so it should be doesn't instead of didn't. Whilst I appreciate the description in "doomful, everlasting perish", those words don't seem to fit together well to me.
I wouldn't get out of this place anyway, so why do I have too
Couldn't instead of wouldn't.


And now for some of the bits that I really like.
I guess you could say I am all alone in this hateful, horrible world.
This works miracles as an opening sentence. It shows a little character right off the bat, as well as setting the tone correctly and foretelling what is to come in the monologue. It also links really nicely to the end where the whole idea of being alone is repeated.
I guess I sort of do deserve this fate.
I guess that I just wasn't a good enough person too count on.
I guess...I guess that I'll just have to be alone. For now, and forever.
Use of three right there to bang home the overlying themes. Then bam: (avoiding my infuriating I-phone pasting skills) the final sentence is short and sweet like the start, closing off amazingly.


Overall, despite some messy execution, this is a fine example of how to start a dark story and I am very impressed.

On a side note, a warm welcome back and I hope you stay with us longer than you were initially intending.
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!

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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by Lamby »

SkyGinge wrote:
Also, a double hyphen is incorrect punctuation usage: you clearly understand how to use hyphens, but only one is needed.
That isn't a hypen, it's an em dash. A hyphen separates words and letters, whereas dashes are punctuation marks. You're thinking of the en dash, a shorter version of the em dash. They serve the same function. It's an aesthetic decision only. It's still correct. Perhaps your country/curriculum prefers the en dash as it looks more organized to some?

Edit: Didn't just post this to correct SG--I'll be adding my critique (critique includes positive things too) when I get back home, Beam.
Last edited by Lamby on Fri Aug 30, 2013 8:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by SkyGinge »

^I always get mixed up between dashes and hyphens, silly me. I've never even heard of en/em-dashes and the like and never seen them used as this though. You know best.
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!

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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by The Ice Maiden »

Ok, thanks guys for the criticism and praise! I'll try polishing up some before I write my next chapter :)
Also, thank you Tri, your comment is much appreciated :3
Last edited by The Ice Maiden on Fri Aug 30, 2013 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
peace out ci
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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by Tri »

No problem!
This is a REALLY old avatar, so thanks to SonicRainboom!

I finally got a deviantart! Only one drawing now, but check it out!
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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by The Ice Maiden »

:3
Ok, second chapter should be up sometime later...
peace out ci
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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by Snowy »

This is AWESOME! Keep it going!
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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by CitrusCat »

This is great so far! I can't wait to see more. :3
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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by RinaLin »

I love this! Can't wait for chapter 2
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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by The Ice Maiden »

Thanks guys! I'm not really in the zone for making a Dark Story at the moment, so Chapter 1 may be a little late, actually...xD
peace out ci
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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by Prince Ricard »

BE CAREFUL
YOU USED TWO TILDES IN THE TITLE
I DONT'T KNOW IF THIS SITE CAN HANDLE THAT KIND OF POWER
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Re: War Zone ~~ A Chao Story

Post by The Ice Maiden »

...I did not understand a word you just said...
peace out ci
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