Pokemon: Elenora

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SilverRabbit
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Pokemon: Elenora

Post by SilverRabbit »

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CHARACTERS:
Elenora- Female Eevee with moon white eyes.
Gary- Male Eevee with light green eyes
Dil- Male Glaceon with dark purple eyes.
Lil- Female Eevee with brown eyes.
Umbreon- Male Umbreon with amber eyes.
CHAPTER ONE:

Elenora sighed, her body was the colour of dry mud and her eyes were moon white. Most other Eevee's were frightened of her. Meanwhile Gary was trying to fix his guitar, he was a dry mud brown Eevee with light green eyes. Many of the girls fancied him. Elenora walked past Gary and said "Hi..." in her usual grumpy way. Dil smiled at Gary. Lil ran over to Gary and said "Do you want me to fix that?" Umbreon stared at Elenora, he seemed to look happily at her. "School will be good tomorrow, Elenora." said Umbreon smiling. Elenora knew that Umbreon was in love with her and he was trying to get to her as well. Elenora was finally home, she smiled and laughed at her two baby sisters. They didn't have names but they were extremely cute.

TO BE CONTINUED
Last edited by SilverRabbit on Fri Sep 06, 2013 10:13 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Snowy
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Re: Pokemon: Elenora

Post by Snowy »

You really need to describe the environment or the place the characters are at and give more details on what going on.

*calls, Bat, Sky, PIF and/or Jeff*
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Re: Pokemon: Elenora

Post by SilverRabbit »

Snowy, pls. I tried my best on this at least. I don't want any advice, i'm not 5.
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Re: Pokemon: Elenora

Post by Snowy »

I accept critism. Everybody does. I was just trying to help you improve.
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Re: Pokemon: Elenora

Post by SilverRabbit »

Well I don't GOOD DAY

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Re: Pokemon: Elenora

Post by Snowy »

Oh well.
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Re: Pokemon: Elenora

Post by MoonDancer »

Eevee,although I like this story,for once I'm going to back up Snowy a little,criticism is a good thing,not bad.
I take criticism,I take criticism from people if I'm interested in something and they want to help me,it would usually help me do what I've been doing wrong or just help do better.
Snowy's stories are Really Great,You should read his one about Snowy the Time Hero,Batty gave some criticism and Snowy accepted it and took it to help him in the future.

I know It can be a little irritating if it seems like someone is questioning your work but,Criticism helps. :wink:
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Re: Pokemon: Elenora

Post by SkyGinge »

^I'm fairly certain it was me who helped out Snowy on that particular occasion, but there we go.

EeveeFan, seeing as we all know you don't like critism, I'll focus on the positives for now. I like a subtle characterisation traits and the detail that is presented is normally well done. The grammar is also largely succinct, especially for someone of your age, so congratulations.

Like Snowy suggested, your next step forwards would be to try more elaborate descriptions, perhaps the environment around them. Think carefully about the flow of your work too, as it can come across a little disjointed.

I have a suggestion for you as well. You always make loads and loads of stories that are one chapter long and say TO BE CONTINUED, but yet they never are. Now, whilst I would never force you (and nor do I have the right to do so) to continue these, by posting so many new topics you effectively bury other people's work and spam up the section. May I suggest that you make a general stories thread instead? This will allow you to keep tabs on any ideas you may have sprouting up whilst not doing the burying. Thanks

Also Snowy said nothing rude to you so your meme response was unnecessary.
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!

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Re: Pokemon: Elenora

Post by Ommy »

I don't get how all the characters have names except Elanora's sisters. Did the mom just give them up or something? And why can't Elenora just give them pet names at the least?

Other then that, follow Ginge's advice.
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Re: Pokemon: Elenora

Post by SilverRabbit »

I mean like 1 month old Pokémon.
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