Collaboration VG-styled Plot Prequel Project: B

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thatguyinthecorner
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Collaboration VG-styled Plot Prequel Project: B

Post by thatguyinthecorner »

There is a funny story behind the name of this thing. A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine and the topic, somehow, came to the idea of writing. Turns out, it is (curse my apostrophe key for not working, ergh) a sort of hobby to us both. Naturally, the very next idea we had was "We should write something!" (Thankfully I have access to a quotation-mark and a colon to copy/paste). Well, we have come up with a lot and the end result was the as-of-the-time-in-which-I-wrote-this-post still forming story named Project Q. We also, over time, had the idea of writing a prequel to it in the form of a video game plot. I am still waiting for him to finish a prologue for the former and so have decided to try my hand at one for the latter. Here goes nothing.


Prologue: The First True Uprising

In the land of Magtarah, where our tale occurs, the world is dominated, thoroughly, by magic. It can be used to do anything from boil eggs .02 seconds faster than normal to wiping a small island out of history-past, present, and future. Numerous sentient beings exist, each with the ability to access this magic, but as of this time only one actually has knowledge of how to harness it-the elves. This has resulted in a lopsided world where humans, and most other sentient beings with arms-being used as slaves. Our tale is one of a hero who, in his humble beginnings, served a one of these...

A man, somewhat tall and a bit more muscular than the norm, shielded his eyes. The sun above was blisteringly hot, and his trench coat did not offer much in terms of reprise from its heat. His black eyes, set apart by a small nose, squinted. The building, if you could call it that, in the distance was growing steadily larger-in both senses of the word. He marched forward, eyes focusing on it, that place which would be his prison for the next few months. His comrade Vess stood beside him, both leading lines of chained people. After an hour or so passed the shackles on his wrists broke and fell with a heavy chink. A man, slender and with pointy ears, stood above them.


"Welcome, maggots! I hope you like building things, because ye got nothing else to do! Cept talk, but I hardly think talking back to your only super-"
The man, or technically elf, had made a stupid decision-labeling himself as their only guard. Seeing as how they had specifically chosen the strongest, toughest slaves they could for the job...bad idea. No sooner had he said that than a sizeable stone embedded itself squarely in his forehead. He careened backward, falling on the back of his head. Between the two impacts he was not going to be winning any "alive and healthy" contests any time soon, but the thrower was not quite done. He walked over and kicked the man in the temple several times.
"Freedom, ho!"
He yelled, before darting off. The others, while less dramatic, followed suite. The man from before blinked a few times in confusion.


"They....they really only had one guard?"
Vess shrugged.
"I guess so. Seems a bit stupid, especially considering the intelligence this empire is so well known for."
This elicited no more than a shrug.
"Whatever the case, we need to get away from here. That witch-Lucherin, was it?-is supposedly capable of going anywhere instantly, and she was probably intended to stop by here."
Vess nodded and the two sprinted off. A lone messenger, with the trademark pointy ears, was not seen. His survival was possibly just as pivotal in the course of history as the lack of additional guards...

An elf, shorter than normal andvery spindly, dashed into the throne room and panted. The emperor, with his usual sneer and dark, gold, foreboding eyes, enough to cause shivers of terror in almost anyone, stared him down.
"What is it!?"
The boy panted more, then rose his head.
"...sir....the team meant to build that laboratory in the west...the warden was alone and...they escaped and killed him...sir!"
Fearfully, the youth bowed. The emperor, with an angry scowl, practically lept to his feet.


"WHAT!? What idiot thought that was a good idea!?"
"I tried to convince him not to send his guards elsewhere but the pompous fool declined!"
The elven emperor rose his staff, only to be silenced by a high-pitched....noise. The youth looked to his right...and froze. Before him stood some sort of...creature, looking vaguely like a human child, with skin that seemed to have tan-lines going erratically about it with no rhyme or reason. He wore normal clothing for a peasant, but what was wrong was his face. It had no ears, no nose, no eyes, no pores, only a mouth. His entire face warped, the flesh twisting unnaturally, every time that mouth opened. Hair, blue hair, hung down in formation almost like what you would get by taking the "^^^" representing mountains on a map and flipped it upside down. A formation of it stuck up from his head, and came to a knot. From this knot extended two curved bodies of hair, which twitched and fidgeted and writhed constantly, looking like the kegs of an insect stuck on its back.
"Wh....wh....wh..."
The youth stammered, horrified.
"Go, leave me."
The emperor spewed, waving away the all-too-eager-to-be-gone elf boy. He squinted angrily at the creature, rising to his full height.
"A girl walks up to you and starts dancing and you walk away? What are you, gay, drunk, high...?"

"~~~AA-SEXUAL~~!"

^and that was the greatest exchange of my year.
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Re: Collaboration VG-styled Plot Prequel Project: B

Post by SkyGinge »

This is looking pretty good, especially if you're going for more of a comic feel. I really really like the description of whatever that restore is at the end. Creepy.

No grammar issues spring to mind, but in order to improve I would consider trying to vary your sentence structures a bit. Most of them go like this: dada, dadadadadadada, dadadadada. I hope you understand what I mean. I feel like a bit of variance would be good just to keep a good flow. It also all feels a little too fast paced for me bar that excellent final description, and especially considering it's the opening post. Still, I'll see what happens next for further comment on this.

Overall great job! Keep up the good work bud!
PM me if you have any piece of writing that you want reviewed, I'll do my best to help you out!

Funky stuff:
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Re: Collaboration VG-styled Plot Prequel Project: B

Post by Lamby »

Your formatting for web submissions is still off, and I think is contributing in part to making your pacing move too quickly. Remember that you must space before a new line every time the speaker changes or a new paragraph begins. Also, narration is not separate from quotes unless it begins the next paragraph. For example:
"Welcome, maggots! I hope you like building things, because ye got nothing else to do! Cept talk, but I hardly think talking back to your only super-" The man, or technically elf, had made a stupid decision-labeling himself as their only guard. Seeing as how they had specifically chosen the strongest, toughest slaves they could for the job...bad idea. No sooner had he said that than a sizeable stone embedded itself squarely in his forehead. He careened backward, falling on the back of his head. Between the two impacts he was not going to be winning any "alive and healthy" contests any time soon, but the thrower was not quite done. He walked over and kicked the man in the temple several times.

"Freedom, ho!" He yelled, before darting off. The others, while less dramatic, followed suite. The man from before blinked a few times in confusion.

"They....they really only had one guard?" Vess shrugged.

"I guess so. Seems a bit stupid, especially considering the intelligence this empire is so well known for. This elicited no more than a shrug. "Whatever the case, we need to get away from here. That witch-Lucherin, was it?-is supposedly capable of going anywhere instantly, and she was probably intended to stop by here." Vess nodded and the two sprinted off. A lone messenger, with the trademark pointy ears, was not seen. His survival was possibly just as pivotal in the course of history as the lack of additional guards...
Pretty much defer back to SG for the positives.
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Re: Collaboration VG-styled Plot Prequel Project: B

Post by thatguyinthecorner »

I really do need to memorize that set of rules. .Thanks for being so patient with me, it really shouldn't be taking so much to get me to remember it.




Chapter One: A Man, A Plan, a Canal-Panama!

The two ran off, the man's eyes turned to a far-off forest. He had stolen a spear from a farm which they passed, and Vess...well she'd ambushed a random soldier and stolen his sword.
"We've been running for hours!" She yelled, taking the narrator's place as the Exposition Cannon's fuse for a time. "Where are we going!?" The man merely pointed at the forest.

"There! It's supposedly haunted!" This got him a quizzical look as Vess tried to figure out why on earth that made going to the forest in question a good idea. He pursed his lips, trying to think of a simple way to put it. "If the elves think it's haunted they won't bother checking there!" She squinted.

"And if it is!?" The man laughed, although it was hardly in a jovial manner.

"Than we die as men!...or a man and a woman. Or maybe we'll kill some ghosts." He hoisted his new spear over his head. "Onward, ho!"


While those two were crossing the land, however, a great deal of other events happened to transpire.

The elven emperor sat back down, one hand on the arm of his massive, elegant chair and began tapping one finger after another on his jaw in a very sinister manner and looked toward the side of the room opposite the....thing that had frightened the messenger. "Lucherin?" At this a high-pitched, grating sound resonated from that direction.

"Yes, Your Highness the Emperor~?" That...voice. It was so aggravating it literally made him claw at his ears-causing him to nearly plant his face on the armrest of his throne. Naturally, he immediately returned to correct posture.

"He saw too much. Dispose." Her eyes lit up. Dear makers of the world, she looked like a kitten that just discovered mice-that was never good. The bloodstains typically took weeks to clean up. "And this time don't make a show out of it. I had a hard enough time explaining away all those moose that randomly turned up with winged hooves from before." She giggled at the thought of her last job, but quickly nodded.

"I was going to use platypi this time, but oh well~" And with that she disappeared. Instantly. Just...one moment she was there, the next you were looking at a wall. The emperor turned, shifting in his oh-so-overkill seat of doom.
"Please explain why you found the need to show yourself."


Our narrative leaves the king, for truly we don't want to give such a vile overlord a bad name, do we? Of course we do. Tally ho!

The young man rushed forward, trying to get as far away from the capital as he could. That...thing was engraved into his mind. Every time he tried to force it out it would pop back up, that deranged, indescribable monster, staring into his soul, despite not having eyes, its mouth nothing but a hole lined by jagged teeth behind which lay an unfathomable abyss-

He knocked into something-it gave way easily but he tripped and fell past it. Getting up he set to apologize only to see what he feared most...her. The court magician or, in more accurate terms, the king's cat, disposing of pests he couldn't be bothered with. She was young, about nineteen and early twenties at oldest, which was odd considering her position, but dare not he mention her age-the last man to do so still wasn't close enough to a complete assembly for his family to hold a funeral. She had brown hair tied into braids, two of which fell and returned to her head on either side while the rest formed a wiry mat on top of her head. She wore, instead of traditional cloak/robes/whathaveyou inscribed with runes like normal, white peasant garb. It was unnerving, especially compared to her staff. A green rod made probably out of emeralds or jade or something, topped by a gold emblem with two helices going around it, meeting perfectly across from each other just a few inches below the tip, which was where the emblem stood, separate, gold, and identically seen from all angles. She had red eyes, and out of fear he could not make any other, more subtle, observations.

"Hi~!" She spouted in her usual, disturbingly cheerful manner. He gulped.

"Hello...s-sorry to knock into you..."

"No problem! See, thing is you saw too much. So now I gotta kill you~! Nothing personal. Just my job." Every instinct in his body was screaming at him, run, you idiotic dastard, run, run, WHY ARE YOU NOT RUNNING!? But the answer to that was that he knew it would be futile.

"So that thing...just what was it?" She lifted his staff, recited something. He gulped again, fearful.

"Molinjir~!" Old speak for "Hammering thunder of the gods." Just like that there was a crackling thunderous noise, the area darkened and a ball of light yellow light, crackling sparks in all directions as it floated in place, lighting up the area with almost blinding intensity, formed above him. Almost instantly it bore down, making a heavy craaaaack! as it went, and drilled a hole straight through him. It did so with such speed, in fact, it made a vacuum. As he stood gasping for air, eyes wide in pain, fear, and as a result of all the humors in them having evaporated, a small squirt of blood popped out of the entry wound. Upon its landing, his body, previously seeming frozen in time, fell forward. It was a clean death-especially for the executioner in question. She sighed.

"Next time, platypus. Next time." Again, she disappeared.


(This being a video game plot-styled story, I'm trying to either subvert, invert, or deconstruct every VG trope I can find. The young-but-just-as-dangerous villain thing came to mind pretty early on.)
"A girl walks up to you and starts dancing and you walk away? What are you, gay, drunk, high...?"

"~~~AA-SEXUAL~~!"

^and that was the greatest exchange of my year.
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