Electris's Path (Pokemon fic)

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So how do you like it so far?

It's awful, never write fanfics ever again.
1
33%
It's definitely not good.
1
33%
Mehh... Could be better.
0
No votes
It's okay.
0
No votes
It's actually good, considering.
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No votes
Other (Please comment below if you answered this)
1
33%
 
Total votes: 3

Jack Augustine
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Electris's Path (Pokemon fic)

Post by Jack Augustine »

I got this idea a bit ago after looking through my Pokemon on X. I decided to write a couple chapters tonight...

Before you read it, you'll need to know her stats, and here they are.

Name: Electris
Gender: Female
Species: Shinx
Level: 10
Moves:
- Thunder Fang (Egg move)
- Tackle
- Leer
- Charge
Ability: Intimidate
Nature: Gentle
Item: Quick Claw
Personality: Usually a very cool-tempered Pokémon, Electris will do what she can to aid her friends. Despite her Ability being Intimidate, she doesn't like to scare anybody unless it's vital in the situation. She's developed a terrible fear of Ground types, however, even moreso than a normal Electric type usually would be.

Chapter 1
Spoiler:
A small Shinx was running for her life; her only goal was to get away from her group's home. A herd of Gravelers and Onix had emerged from the cave near their plains, located the center of Luxray/Luxio/Shinx activity, and started attacking them. Being pure Electric type, they were very susceptible to the attackers. Even the best of fighters had fallen due to not knowing many attacking moves beside Electric-type moves and Bite/Crunch. Even fewer knew Ice Fang or Fire Fang.

In the Shinx's haste to flee, she'd forgotten to bid her remaining family farewell; the dens had been trampled anyway, preventing her access to anything in the camp. All she had left was the Quick Claw her mother, Bright Spark, had given her at the turn of her 5th week; right when she'd turned level 5.

I've got to get to the forest... maybe I can hide from the raiders! she thought, contradictory to what her mother had always told her.

"Electris, never go near the forest until you are a Luxio!" The voice rang in her head as she ran.

She was fairly close to this stage, only five more weeks to go, but she wasn't there yet.

The feline Pokemon was approaching the forest quite quickly, considering that her evolutionary line was known for being a relatively slow Electric type. She looked up at the canopy, a little daunted by the sheer size of it.

"Woah... I never thought the forest could ever be so big!" she breathed as she entered the shade of the forest. Her eyes quickly readjusted to take in more light. Trees were growing so thickly here! How did the Pokémon allegedly living here see?

She marveled a few moments before her stomach growled, reminding her how hungry she was. At least she knew how to hunt.

Spotting a Fletchling, she padded around until she was downwind of it; she eventually leapt, and performed her Thunder Fang on its neck. This move had been with her since she'd been born, so she was able to use it so early.

As the Fletchling was a Flying type, it died instantly upon feeling her electrified fangs. The Shinx settled down to eat.

After eating her fill, she noticed how late it was; Electris settled into the roots of a tree and fell asleep; it had been a very long day.

Her sleep was dreamless...
I'll post Chapter 2 when I'm done with it. Please comment on my work!
Last edited by Jack Augustine on Mon Apr 28, 2014 5:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Electris's Path (Pokemon fic)

Post by SilverRabbit »

It was a good story, I like how you had made her sound like a real cat by hunting prey.(Its a bit like Warrior cats. :D) Also there is some good words in there, and good sentences. I'd say the chapter is a little small, but its still good! c:
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Re: Electris's Path (Pokemon fic)

Post by Jack Augustine »

The hunting bit was kind of supposed to be that way, thanks! Also, that's just how I write.
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Re: Electris's Path (Pokemon fic)

Post by Jack Augustine »

Chapter 2
Spoiler:
After waking up the next morning, Electris decided to move on. She had to get away from the plains; her location was too close to the Luxray camp. Memory shone in her brilliant golden eyes as she recalled the time when her mother had given her the Quick Claw.

"Electris, now that you're 5 weeks old, I give you my Quick Claw. It's been passed down over many generations, aiding each with our slow speed."

Electris was startled. Surely Electric types were supposed to be fast?

"Luxrays aren't fast like other Electric types, Electris. It takes months of training to get up to that level, and even so... We can't move as fast as, say, a Pikachu."

"But Mama..."

"Not to worry, my dear Electris... We were bestowed some powerful physical strength in its place. Unlike other Electric types, who can't use physical attacks well, we can."

Feeling more confident, Electris proudly took her mother's Quick Claw, which was now hers...


She had been very close to her mother, Bright Spark, even in her 10 weeks of life.

Sighing, the Shinx began to push her way through the forest. Staying where she was was very dangerous, especially if the Onix and Gravelers were looking for her as she suspected they were.

While she walked, she noticed many Bug Pokémon, and realized that Electric types weren't the only ones out there, even after Rock and Ground.

She heard a large slam.

No! she thought, picking up her pace. Only a Rock/Ground type Pokemon could have done that, but she didn't know why she was so scared of them; she didn't only know Thunder Fang for her offensive moves. She knew Tackle, too.

A little after she heard the bang, she felt a peculiar sensation, like something was trying to paralyze her. Looking in the direction of the feeling, she noticed a yellow... mouse-like thing. Was this one of those Pikachu things that Bright Spark had told her about?

Her Intimidate ability kicked in, making the Pikachu recoil.

"S-sorry! I didn't realize you were an E-Electric type!"

"Really, now? You've never seen a Shinx?"

"I've seen Luxios and L-Luxrays...!"

Sighing, Electris looked very slightly to the left, taking the Pikachu out of the Intimidate effect.

"Whew..." the Pikachu sighed in relief, then looked at Electris. "Well... What's your name? Mine's Nacho."

"My name is Electris, nice to meet you." Electris replied, a little sharply. Realizing her mistake, she gave Nacho an apologetic look. Its straight-tipped tail told her it was male.

"Thanks, you too. You know, I see Luxios and Luxrays come through here all the time, but always in a small group. Why are you alone?"

Startled at the question, Electris's blue-and-black fur flashed brightly for a split-second, then stopped.

Nacho blinked against the flash, tilting his head.

"Sorry..." Calming down a little, she relayed the tale of what had happened over the last couple days. Nacho listened in stunned silence.

"Woah... Electris, that's really. really bad. I'm glad you at least got out of there alive," was his response.

"I... I know." Images flooded Electris's young mind; her mother trapped in an Onix's Bind attack, her Thunderbolt doing nothing to force it to relinquish its hold on her... Her father surrounded by Gravelers as he continually used Ice Fang to take them down one at a time, but being overwhelmed by numbers...

She blinked back tears as the realization crashed down upon her: She would never see her mother, nor her father, or her family ever again.

She was alone.

"Electris?"

"Y-Yes?"

"Everything'll be okay. I'll travel with you." Nacho said, realizing how alone his new friend must be feeling.

"Th... Thank you..." she sighed, her golden-amber eyes shining with tears of grief. It was nice that at least Nacho cared about how she was feeling.

Truth was, she was shattered from what had happened to her family.

As far as she knew, Nacho was all she had.
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Re: Electris's Path (Pokemon fic)

Post by dragonite637 »

nice story so far. :) has it's fair share of happy and sad moments. am looking forward to where the story will go on from here.
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Re: Electris's Path (Pokemon fic)

Post by Torneon »

Not bad! :darksurprise: It needs some work in the fact that the chapters are a little.too short for my liking, even after you fixed the length. That made it hard to like. But it has charm so that gives it something.
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Re: Electris's Path (Pokemon fic)

Post by thatguyinthecorner »

Not the best thing I've ever read.

That out of the way, not bad, not bad at all! One thing though, is that integrating game mechanics so thoroughly but roughly into a narrative is...jarring. I suck at explaining things (and honestly I'm new to this whole criticism thing so bear with me) but I'll try and explain.

The game mechanics of Pokemon can be...weird. So if you want them in a narrative, especially if they'll feature so prominently, you should try weaving them in a little more subtly. For example:

Electris heard a loud bang. No! It could only be a Ground/Electric type. (Sorry for lack of exact quote, iThings do not copy paste here for some reason)

That sentence is...jarring. A better way to implement that might go more like:

Electris heard a loud bang. No! If something of that size found her, no good things could come of it, especially if it was a Ground type...she had to get moving.

As a side note, the sentence about her having Tackle got a genuine laugh out of me. Good work!
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