How the Eggman Stole Christmas

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Jeffery Mewtamer
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How the Eggman Stole Christmas

Post by Jeffery Mewtamer » Fri Dec 25, 2015 4:05 am

Okay, totally random idea inspired by a comment in one of the Christmas threads, but one that wouldn't leave me alone. Since I'm not much of a poet and came up with the idea only shortly before the deadline, I took Dr. Seuss's original text, ran a few sed commands on it via bash script and manually read through it to correct a few things. 99% is quoted from the original verbatim and there are some places where the changes break the rhythm or rhyme of the original, but I did the best I could with limited time. If nothing else, hopefully it gives someone a chuckle. Feel free to make suggestions on how to smooth over the rougher bits.

How The Eggman Stole Christmas by Jeffery Mewtamer
based on How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Suess

Every Mobian Down in Mobotropolis Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Eggman,who lived just north of Mobotropolis, Did NOT!
The Eggman hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his boots were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, His heart or his boots,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Mobians,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Eggmany frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Mobian down in Mobotropolis beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Eggman fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Mobian girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
Then the Mobians, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!
They would feast on Mobian-pudding, and rare Mobian-roast beast.
Which was something the Eggman couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!
Every Mobian down in Mobotropolis, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Mobians would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
And the more the Eggman thought of this Mobian ChristmasSing,
The more the Eggman thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" The Eggman laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Eggmany trick!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..." The Eggman looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Eggman? No! The Eggman simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some red thread,
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,
On a ramshackle sleigh And he hitched up old Max.
Then the Eggman said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh started down,
Toward the homes where the Mobians Lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Mobians were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Eggmany Claus hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. Rather hard to cram.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Eggman.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the little Mobians stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Eggman, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Mobians' feast!
He took the Mobian-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Eggman even took their last can of Mobian-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Eggman, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And the Eggman grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Mobian!
Little Cream the Rabbit, who was not more than ten.
The Eggman had been caught by this tiny Mobian daughter,
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Eggman and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Eggman was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side."
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear."
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cream the Rabbit went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then He did the same thing To the other Mobians' houses
Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other Mobians' mouses!
It was quarter past dawn... All the Mobians, still a-bed,
All the Mobians, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"PoohPooh to the Mobians!" he was Eggmanishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Mobians down in Mobotropolis will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Eggman, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Eggman put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Mobotropolis! The Eggman popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Mobian down in Mobotropolis, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Eggman, with his eggman-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!"
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Eggman thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Mobotropolis they say,
That the Eggman's small heart Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Eggman carved the roast beast!

Just so you know, I am blind.

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Re: How the Eggman Stole Christmas

Post by Ivogoji » Fri Dec 25, 2015 4:55 am

Best Christmas story ever 10/10

My favorite part was where Cream was in it.

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Re: How the Eggman Stole Christmas

Post by Mamkute » Fri Dec 25, 2015 7:11 am

I agree, Cream as Cindy-loo Who (or however that is spelled) was a very good inclusion.

I really enjoy the concept. My only suggestions would be inserting more Sonic-world specific things, perhaps in place of the roast beast and with other similar parts. Although I am blanking on what exactly, and I completely understand you not having done so.

All in all, very good Christmas story.

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Re: How the Eggman Stole Christmas

Post by Jeffery Mewtamer » Fri Dec 25, 2015 2:55 pm

I do wish I had the time or poetry skills to have added more Sonic flavor. As it is, I have trouble imagining Eggman in place of the Grinch when reading it myself, so iconic are the lines that I can't divorce them from the art of the animated adaptation from the 1960s(I've never seen the movie, and last night was my first time being exposed to the text of the book).

Some things I'm less than satisfied with:
-Using Mobotropolis. Gives a big city vibe when everything else gives a small town vibe. Considered renaming Whoville to Moboville, but that sounded even worse when my screen reader was reading the result back to me. Knothole crossed my mind, but I felt the place name needed to match the demonym, and while it's a western creation, Mobian is about the only catch-all term we have for Sonic Anthros that doesn't sound overly technical.
- The part where, to paraphrase, I change:
Whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes
The Grinch stood on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos.
Whatever the reason, his heart or his boots
The Eggman stood on Christmas Eve, hating the Mobians.
The one place where my changes break the rhyme and I couldn't think of anyway to correct it.
-Leaving Max in. Couldn't think of a suitable replacement from among Eggman's lackeys, and having Eggman build a team of Reindeer Badniks would've required writing new lines altogether.
-The Chimney scene. The original has "A rather tight pinch" and rhymes Pinch with Grinch. "Rather hard to cram" sounds a bit awkward, and its only a half-rhyme with Eggman, but it was the best I could come up with to fix the rhyme breaking.
-The Cream Scene. Cream was the obvious choice to replace little Cindy Lou Who, but Cream's full name doesn't flow as well, and I had to change Cream's age to ten to fix another case of rhyme breaking, and while Eggman could make a much more convincing Santa Claus than the Grinch, even at six Cream seems too smart to not see through Eggman's deception(Cindy Lou Who is not more than two).

Still, despite the above self-criticisms and most of the changes being superficial, I think I did fairly well given I had one night to make the idea a reality if I wanted it out in time for Christmas and the weather has been working against me(it got up to nearly 80F yesterday! Christmas has no business being this hot this side of the Tropics, and it's the hottest Christmas either my 73 year-old dad or myself can remember. And my brain doesn't work that well in the heat. Where's Snow Miser when you need him?)
Just so you know, I am blind.

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Re: How the Eggman Stole Christmas

Post by CitrusCat » Mon Dec 28, 2015 3:39 am

I feel like Max could have been a simple, recognizable Badnik, like a Motobug or something. But, I'm not sure if having those extra syllables in there (where "dog" is replaced by "Motobug") would cause any problems with the flow of the lines... What do you think?

Aside from that, though, I liked it! Nice job!
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